I'm out.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by synth_apparition, Apr 7, 2016.

  1. sup.

    So, this is a tough call to make. Its been one I've been debating for a while. I've always thought I'd keep EMC around as an escape from the stresses of real life and whatever else, but its turned out to be a huge distraction for me. The idea was I come home, study, and then go on my computer for these forums and whatever else I want to do. I'll go into the exam hall when I do all 20 of them, I'll sit down, I'll go through the paper and I won't care. It has not turned out like that. Its the 7th April today - I have my first exam on the 18th and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing for it. I come home, go on my computer, and do what I want to do first - eventually its 12AM and I haven't done anything school related at all. My grades are slipping or staying at the same grade in school and I'm less than a month away from my GCSEs and that is not something you want this close to them.

    I know these exams don't matter whatsoever in life once I've secured me doing my A Levels. But people are measuring my worth off these, and to some extent so am I. I feel shame when I get handed my results and I'm getting a D, when this time last year I was getting Bs in the same subject and was on the road to an A. I don't know if its shame off me or my parents, but it's a horrible feeling and I don't want it. I have to prove to myself I'm good at something. For my entire life I've been put down and I've tried to convince myself I'm better at everything than these people doing that to me: they're off getting A*s in everything and my average grade at the moment is a C. It's just... eh. I can do better if I study, which I'm not doing at the moment, and its probably too late to do that anyway at this point, but I can try.

    Another thing is a job. I have no idea what the actual hell I'm doing in life. There's stuff blocking me from an absolute ton of them - I won't talk about that here, PM me if you really want to know. I have this ambition to go be an independent game developer - but let's be honest, its the ambition of a million other people too and my chances of success are absolutely minimal. I'm nothing special. I don't even know how to make a game yet. The worst thing about this whole thing is that I have this plan: go get a job in some crappy shop somewhere or something, do sixth form alongside, develop a game while I'm doing that and then publish it when I finish college, and move country with all the money I'm totally going to get - I HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE, NO BACKUP PLAN. There's nothing I'd rather do - it's either this or live with my parents until I wake up every morning wanting to die. I don't know where to start.

    I realised this last night: I'm not putting any effort into my GCSEs and there's so much expected of me, I don't know what I'm doing in life, I will suck at conventional work, and I'm most likely going to fail with my grand plan for life because I don't put any effort into that either. I got upset about it, I couldn't really sleep over it, and I woke up after about 4 hours of sleep with butterflies in my stomach, I was breathing quicker than usual, my heart was racing, I wasn't hungry, I felt like there was something tugging at my back, my mouth was and is dry, my head is full of wordless questions that I don't have any answers to. I tried to drink tea, I gave up halfway through the cup and forced myself to finish it about 10 minutes later. I haven't been this crap since January 2011, when I was off school for 2 weeks because of stress, and I haven't been this 'down' since March-April 2013, when my life underwent a change that until this year was the biggest one in my life.

    I think last night I realised that for the last 4 years I've been going through my life, intentionally slacking off with everything, thinking I had it all sorted out and I know everything. I'm about 18% of the way through my life if I live to the average age of death in my country, that's pretty much nothing. I don't have a job, I don't pay rent, I'm a leech in my parents household, I don't know how to do anything I want or need to do in 2 years time. I think the ugly truth reared its head for the first time in my life: I don't know shit. And it collapsed on me like a wall of bricks. And it really, really sucks.

    This is good for me, though. I've been thinking for the last 5 hours I've been awake (which have felt like years by the way): I need to start revising/studying. I need to go and learn how to make a game in the 11 weeks I have off starting in mid-June. I need to go get a job in a retailer or something somewhere. I need to go apply for more than just one college. If I do my hardest and try the absolute best I can do in these next 2-4 months, things will be okay. In a year's time, I'll probably be on track to leaving the UK for 'somewhere else' for the first time in my life (if only for a few days) when I turn 18, I'll be fine with doing my A Levels or whatever I'll be doing, and stuff will be okay.

    Stuff has to be cut out of my life first though. One of those things is EMC. I might not leave - I could come back tomorrow with a 'I couldn't even do one night, damn it!'. I might realise I need EMC to fill up some time. I might indeed leave and come back in July. I might leave and never come back. I just know that it needs to be the least of my worries for a very long time, probably for the first time I signed up here way back in February 2012. It's not an escape to me any more, it's a distraction - probably in the top three biggest ones I have at the moment. I don't want anything beyond my natural laziness dragging me back any more. It's time I moved on, at least for a little while.

    Efallai y byddwn yn cwrdd eto .



    RainbowPony, SirTah, Patr1cV and 18 others like this.
  2. man gl
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  3. And we'll see you when/if you come back! Good luck in all the ways possible!
    gladranger7 and SoulPunisher like this.
  4. We will miss you soul!
    Good luck with exams!
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  5. I will write my reply soon.

    Alrighty edit Time!

    So, back way back when middle school times I joined this server for fun and it had provided that and I left. So back almost last year. I joined back, being bored and such wanting to have a good time with the members. I have and man, my history is a rocky road XD

    I realize that Games in general are a distraction but if I am not doing anything, I am sure to be online. That is for all games I play.
    gladranger7 and SoulPunisher like this.
  6. This sounded so familiar for me at a time. I didn't have a clue where I would go or what I would do. I was simply going through the motions chasing after frivolous interests that I thought were interesting but were not things I wanted to commit an entire career towards. I remember thinking about mathematics and how I wanted to be a math professor, only to find out that 95% of math is based on proofs. With my abysmal hatred of statistics at the time - a bit of an irony there - I took off for something else. Spent two years in limbo trying to figure out what to do (and wasting money the whole way), spent another two years chasing after international relations, then ended up changing over to public policy in graduate school. Before I went to school I didn't care about political science. One of my high school teachers completely turned off my interest in computer programming and I hated statistics. Today, I love statistics, love political science, am great with writing (always have been), and came down from the hatredosphere of programming to dabble in R, Python, and MySQL.

    Here's a piece of advice I have learned over the long haul. Your interests will develop as time goes on. They will evolve, adapt, and probably even start running in circles on you. It's quite possible you'll even abandon an interest entirely. Be flexible. It is good you have a specific goal in mind with developing and publishing a video game. That's an end goal and we all need to have one for our careers. However, don't let the end goal be what encompasses you. Look at the broader picture of your interests. They're normally not as flexible as the angle I'm pursuing, but there's always a broader picture.

    Find your end goal (i.e. owning your own gaming company), determine the specific skill set you need to carry out that end goal, then figure out a rough career plan that will enable you to gain those skill sets. Don't be afraid to find work and take jobs that have little, if anything, to do with programming from time to time - you can always go freelance if it comes to that. What matters is how you approach getting what you need to do what you want.

    That being said, you can't work 24/7/365. It's a good way to build unnecessary stress and studies have shown it actually harms productivity. Find hobbies (it can be EMC or something else - what matters is that you enjoy it) and spend one hour a day on that hobby exclusively as a break.

    If you want to chat I'm always open to discussion via PM. Feel free to drop a line any time. I'm a bit short on time so that's why it's on the short side, but hopefully this post was of some help to you. The takeaway is this: You have options and you're not alone. You're not the only one whose felt like they're looking into a dark abyss between Point A and Point B and figuring out what direction to go. TBH I'm still there to some degree, but the path is starting to set up in front of me.
  7. Good luck with life :) I am sure you will end up figuring something out.
    IamTheNub and SoulPunisher like this.
  8. Good luck bro, enjoy life :)
    IamTheNub and SoulPunisher like this.
  9. Best of luck, Soul!
    IamTheNub and SoulPunisher like this.
  10. Good luck with your studies and your other dreams! I think a lot of us go through similar stuff at times. It's refreshing to see someone admit their distractions and do something about it, though. Good for you; that is DIFFICULT to do! You will one day find exactly where you're meant to be in life. When I tried to find my career, I looked for where my passions and my strengths crossed. That is, what I was really good at and what I loved to do. Sometimes that takes months and other times years, but the journey is always a great learning experience. Have a nice break, however long it is. :)
  11. Thanks for taking the time to type this out. I know pretty much everyone hits this point at least once in their life - where they don't know wtf they're doing, but it means a lot to hear from someone who has gone through it and (as far as I know :p) turned out relatively okay. It really does feel like I'm alone at the moment - all my 'friends' (most of whom I will never see again after my last day in school, I'm willing to bet) have their colleges/apprenticeships sorted out, amazing grades, they're focused on what they want and how to get there, and they don't know where I'm coming from when I say I don't know what to do and they seem so shocked by it. I can't talk to anyone in my family about it because only my mum knows how this feels and how it goes, but a lot changes in 25 years and advice coming from a 41 year old sometimes doesn't process in my 15 year old head, and she got stuck in the town we live in - which I desperately want to get out of as soon as possible - so I think I subconsciously devalue the advice sometimes. My careers advisor doesn't really help at all, she just raises more questions in my head and I can't answer them, so it just feels like she's part of the 'problem'. Again, thanks for telling me that.

    And thank you to anyone else who has replied so far. Even you one sentence people mean a lot :p
    M4ster_M1ner, ShelLuser, 607 and 2 others like this.
  12. I wish I could claim credit for this bit of "sagely tiger wisdom," but it's actually Hitchhiker's wisdom:
    Don't Panic.

    Speaking as a teenager in an adult's body, faking my way through being a "grown-up," trust me when I say it's astronomically unlikely that your life will go according to plan. As the wise Pineapple stated, your interests grow and develop with you. At your age, I thought I wanted to be a marine biologist. The next year I started obsessing over robots and Dilbert comics, and decided I'd rather be an engineer who builds cool things. Now I'm an operator for an industrial knitting machine (and data analyst for the same), and honestly I couldn't be happier with my job. Life is weird...

    So don't stress, don't panic, and don't freak out because you "have no idea what you're doing with your life." You don't need a blueprint laid out for the future, just a direction and the will to follow it. There's a lot of truisms and trite quotes about life, but I'll share one I've learned over the years - life is problem solving. Matt Damon said it about as well as I could.

    Right now, your problem is slipping grades. That's easily fixable, and the fact that you recognize it as a problem means you're halfway to solving it already. Relax, focus on the task at hand, and you'll make it through this just fine.

    We'll still be here when you get back.
  13. Although I've come across you a few times over the years on EMC, I've never really chatted which is a shame. I hope things start to get better in whatever path in life you go down. Pob hwyl!
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  14. Aww SoulPunisher I will miss you, and may your future be great down the road, and never forget you will be part of our EMC family always ;)
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  15. I don't really know you but I do understand what you're going through. My fiance owns an independent game company and it's really tough. He had to get rid of a lot of fun stuff to be completely focused on his games and company. It's a hard thing to get into but once it gets rolling it's a bit easier. If it's something you really want to do go for it. My fiance got started making games on GameMaker when he was in high school you can try that to get you started with making games. Try setting schedules/alarms give yourself a certain time to study, times for breaks for either eating, napping, or even playing a game, or whatever. Life can be tough and mostly everyone does go through a situation like yours so you're not alone :) I hope things work out for you! And if you have any questions about game making (or anything else) feel free to message me.
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  16. Guy, you are overthinking stuff! (or I am not yet realizing I am getting in the same boat in a while :3). But I mean, you are 16 years old.. (or something right?). 16 years. I know noone who pays his/her own rent at 16, more than enough people that don't have a job at 16, and alot of people at the age of 16 who dont even know what they want to do after school for a living. At this age, you are learned the basics at school. At this age, you can still take every road you want to take.
    You could indeed be that game-developer. I know a guy (yeah I know lots of guys :3) who just spend a year of his school learning programming because he had to double and was kinda bored, now, 2 years later, he works at google :cool:. So just try some things out, maybe it doesn't work, but you could just choose something else that appeals to you and might find something new you enjoy.

    I dont know if what I wrote actually comes cross as what I mean, because I am really messy at writing deep stuff :3

    Anyways, good luck man, and don't forget to have fun too, otherwise its all for nothing :)
  17. Wow, that's quite something to read on an evening of a stressful day...
    First off: thank you for posting this, Soul. Sharing this will do good in at least three ways: writing it down will help your brain process the information, create links and make up your mind, writing it down will provide opportunity for other people to react and help, and writing it down will help other people who have similar problems. (and honestly, I think anyone could get something out of this thread, or the must live the utopian life)
    Secondly: I want to stay in contact with you. Whatever you do. Unless you're against it, of course, but I'd really like to be able to message back and forth. If you think you'll be leaving EMC for a (short) while, please pm an other way to contact you.
    At the moment, I need to take some rest myself to refocus and get back up stumbling before actually falling, but I do want to talk to you, as I think we can both profit from it.
    I'm praying for you, Soul, I hope you'll do well and I think posting this is a very good start.
  18. Yeah, of course, I forgot to mention that in my own post, thank you :p
    It's really no problem at all if you have no idea what you're doing at this stage. It could get a problem if you don't care, though.
    So that's why I'm happy Soul does appear to care.
    And while he should not get ahead of himself (I'm debating whether to talk in third or second person, now, as I'm quoting haastregt but kind of directing this to SoulPunisher xD), it's good that you're at least doing something.
    But haas is right, it doesn't go that fast, don't stress about it, and don't ignore it, just think about it in an organised and rational matter.

    Oh, wow, I have no idea how I'm able to write such thoughtful posts, in English even, at 9:20 PM being nearly exhausted. :p But I guess it's good :rolleyes:
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  19. So I think I can relate to one of these threads finally due to the fact that we're both taking the same series of exams at the same time. I can only wish you the best of luck and I'm sure you've made the right choice here. Sometimes you have to do stuff in life which you won't enjoy (giving up something which relieves the stress of everything else in this case) for a short amount of time in order to get something out of life which you will enjoy in the long run. In your case, leaving EMC is a choice which will provide you with the gateways to the rest of your future.

    Once again, best of luck and I hope everything goes to plan. :)
    SoulPunisher likes this.
  20. First of all, I sincerely admire you for posting this.

    Having the courage to expose your personal demons is not an easy thing - especially in front of all us to see. This speaks to how much you trust and care for this community and is a testament to your strong character. Having read your post, I must say I have complete confidence that you will be just fine and seeing as though you revealed some tough personal information I will do so as well:

    Life is tricky. Even if you have a plan with a clear cut outline on where you want it to go, it can all change in an instant. It is not as important to have that "plan" in my opinion than having the ability the adjust to circumstances.


    (I've only shared this with Elfin here on EMC)
    A few years ago, I had a pretty good idea where I was headed, working toward 2 degrees at the University of Colorado and in my senior year, tragically my older brother died (no need to comment, this post is about you and my admiration and confidence in you). This pretty much destroyed everything. I spent a few years in limbo, sort of like where you are now. I don't think I would have escaped if not for a close friend of mine telling me that I was the only one who could get myself out.

    His exact words were "you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps as hard as you can."

    Our circumstances are different, but the principle is the same. Follow your plan, and if something comes up that changes that plan, adapt. As elfin said, "Your interests will develop as time goes on. They will evolve, adapt, and probably even start running in circles on you. It's quite possible you'll even abandon an interest entirely. Be flexible."

    Harness that same amount of courage you had to write this post, and use it to follow your dreams.

    Be tenacious, aggressive, and passionate, but also be patient.

    Finally, don't let your fears guide your actions. The fact that the gaming industry is saturated means nothing. I personally would like to someday have a novel published - and that market is completely saturated as well. This does not dissuade me from writing, nor should it. If you have an interest in making games, I think you should. Start the process of learning how to do it and one day your passion will become a reality.

    I truly believe that.

    You have a ton of people here who support you, so please come back and check in occasionally.