Result of a Personal Writing Course

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by NetherSpecter, May 17, 2016.

  1. So I'm home-schooled, not many know that and now everyone does. I'm essentially teaching myself through textbooks and workbooks and courses that I create for myself. I have a course that's supposed to improve my writing (since that's what I eventually want to do with my life) and this is the result.

    For this first lesson I'm supposed to write a sentence then after 3 days expand on that to make up a 500+ word short. Since I doubt myself at nearly everything I do, I figured I'd share it with you guys. :) I hope you enjoy.

    The Sentence
    She kissed her love goodbye for this may be the last time she see's him. "Don't worry." he assures her. The doctor's wheeled her away in tears to the emergency room leaving him with the thought of her living or not.

    The Result: Heart of a Lion

    She cried, the day had come. It had been a year and a half ago when Alyssa was diagnosed with terminal heart failure. On the day of her heart transplant and after months of being told that there wasn’t a suitable donor a month and a half ago she was told there would be a chance for her to live out her days with her love. Her fiance held her as the tears flowed down her face. Their wedding was a mere hour before her surgery, he wanted her to be happy before going under. Her wedding dress being kept clean while his suit was dampened by his soon to be wife. The priest did his best to hold back his cries but was doing poorly, “By the power invested in me...” he sniffed, “I pronounce you man and wife.” the boy looked up and smiled, “You may now kiss your bride.” The boy lifted his wife’s chin with a finger, “I love you.” he said and they locked lips, he breathed deeply as the saltiness of her tears met his lips. His eyes began to weep, they were finally married.

    The doctor stepped in, “We need to get the patient prepped.” The boy sat Alyssa down on her bed, “I’ll see you soon.” he said as he wiped his face with his sleeve. Alyssa breathed deeply, the tears slowly dripped off her cheeks. “I love you Aiden.” She said, Aiden smiled, “I’ll love you forever Alyssa.” and the bed’s curtain separated them for now. Alyssa was changed into a hospital gown and her dress hung on the back of her room’s door.

    It was time, the doctor’s wheeled her into the emergency room and they put her under. She didn’t see Aiden on the way in and figured he was in the waiting room. Bouncing his leg nervously as he normally does still wearing his suit, he wasn’t the type to worry about such things, like if he would look silly sitting in a tux. She smiled as the mask covered her vision and everything went dark.

    She woke, the hospital’s bright light hurting her eyes, and the boop of a machine nearby breaking the silence, “Hey champ.” Her dad said as he squeezed her hand. Alyssa smiled and grasped his tightly, “Hey dad.” He chuckled, “It was a success. You’re all better now.” He sniffed. Alyssa’s only thought was on Aiden, “Where’s Aiden? How’s he holding up?” Alyssa’s dad let go of her hand and hung his head. “They couldn’t find anyone else Ally...” Alyssa’s eyes went wide and began to water again, “What do you mean?” He didn’t answer, “Dad! What do you mean they couldn’t find anyone else?!” He looked up, tears now full flowing down his wrinkled face, “Aiden was the only match sweetie...” Alyssa gasped, she was too weak to scream, or cover her face or even throw a fit.

    She laid there, all of a sudden everything in the world about Aiden flowed through her. His brown hair flowing in the wind when he rolled the car window down in the middle of December, his laugh when she screamed at him saying, ‘You’re gonna get sick!’ The way he never let her condition get to him and he was her crutch to lean on. She loved him, from his plain brown eyes to his stunning butt. She cried like she had never cried before. Her love, her pain, they had both gone away. She never felt better, her heart had been cut out and Aiden filled that hole. But who was to fill the hole in her new one?


    I promptly named this short, Heart of a Lion, and I may edit it later and smooth out some parts.

    (This may or may not be the tale of my going through this course and just sharing the results with you guys. :))
  2. Noooooo! Never Specter... you... why... but... >.>

    Good writing, I saw the ending coming from a mile away but didnt want to believe it... then again thats how it is for every story- I see the ending in my head and im like oh noes, then it happens.
    NetherSpecter likes this.
  3. I hope that whomever I marry likes my butt this much and misses it more than my actual personality when I die.
    battmeghs and NetherSpecter like this.
  4. I would say autocorrect for humor but I actually wrote that thinking of something my mom once said. :p

    This is why Gandalf is now my sig.
    NubtherSpecter likes this.
  5. I don't even want to know why thinking of what your mother said once would bring the inspiration to write butt compliments... :p

    NetherSpecter and AmusedStew like this.
  6. Congrats, you made my weird comment seem weirder while writing your weird comment. Also some context: She was giving us the 3 main reasons why she married my dad. xD
    NubtherSpecter and SoulPunisher like this.
  7. Wow...


    very well done, thank you for sharing! I like it a whole lot!
    NetherSpecter likes this.
  8. Sounds great :) but, I'm not Englisch after all, so I am not able to criticize your Englisch Annyway.
    One more thing: I didn't expect you to write a short story like this, something wich is way to sendimental for a autistic as I am :p
    I don't know what I actually said with this, spoken about "wollig taalgebruik" (google translate sais "wooly language" as a translation, I'm only not sure if that is correct...)
  9. Wait, uh? Even I am not sure what you said this time, as a fellow Dutch and autistic. :p
    But oh well, it's late... ;)
    Jelle68 likes this.
  10. Sad none the less. But it's an exceptional work that has earned you a spot on The Wall of Great Writers of EMC!
    607 likes this.
  11. Actual word of advice from me: try to use different words when you do sentences like this. It doesn't really sound right if you use the same word twice in two close, short sentences. Something better would be:
    "His eyes began to weep; they were married, finally". (removes the need for two 'finally's)
    "His eyes began to weep at last. They were finally married".
    607 and TomvanWijnen like this.
  12. Huh... gotta admit missed that on my second read through...
    NubtherSpecter, 607 and SoulPunisher like this.
  13. I am no professional writer but a vivid one, if you go over my profile (or my journal of tutorials on EMC) or heck... some posts which I wrote then you'll quickly notice it for yourself (I guess). I like writing stories, tutorials, stuff.

    So I got a well meant suggestion for you, triggered by what you said up there. Whatever you do... If you wrote a story and then read that back don't try to "fix" any "mistakes" you made or change the writing style to something you adapted over time. It will only hurt you in the longer run (at least that's my opinion of course).

    First and foremost having older work available will eventually show you your own progress, which can be really fun to follow. But next: your past is what made you today, this is true for everything including writing. So instead of trying to re-write history and basically cheating on yourself a bit I'd strongly suggest to always leave those things as they are / were and instead of re-doing stuff do new stuff!

    I'm going to carefully read your stuff later this weekend (I always take my time for reading and this evening is not the best time because.... well, personal reasons :)).

    Nice going and thanks for sharing with us!
    Shadow_Dcord, 607 and NetherSpecter like this.
  14. That's a good point!
    On some of my older works (whatever works it are is insignificant) I feel like "Hm, I could improve on this..." but I decide to not do it. This is how I made it back then, I was happy with it, I don't want to be going around changing it up now.
    ShelLuser likes this.
  15. One Shot

    The blood dripped from his hands, the gun shivering in his grip. The smoke still hissed from the barrel and the man he had seen not moments before had shot down his wife. All he did was go to the bank with his family to get money for their trip. Their son, still in his cart was crying from the noise. He knelt next to his wife. Her red hair flowed through his hands like threads. He cradled her head gently and brought it to his chest. The tears finally came and flowed down his cheek and dampened her hair. He would give anything to turn back the clock five minutes.


    This time I'm supposed to come up with an interesting ending to a story and leave the readers with questions and make them want more. Hopefully I did that and I'll admit it's fairly short but I wanted to keep it within a paragraph. :)
    NubtherSpecter likes this.
  16. Now... did he kill the man?