Coming out to my Mom,

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by finch_rocks_1, Mar 11, 2015.


Are you a Transgender also?

yes 4 vote(s) 3.3%
no 109 vote(s) 89.3%
I am not sure 9 vote(s) 7.4%
  1. Hey EMC,

    I have came out to my mom today over the phone, and she was very supportive, I made a Letter to help her understand more, and wanted to know what you girls and guys think. I will be seeing her on the weekend.

    I have another letter of more information, but its more surgery and hormone based information.

    Coming Out to my Mom

    This is by far the most difficult letter I’ve ever had to write, because I’m going to share with you a truth about myself…a truth that I have tried to hide from you (and deny even to myself) for my whole life. I’m sorry that I didn’t have the trust in you over the years to open myself to you. It is a trust that I believe, as wonderful parents, you deserved. As a child I feared rejection…and as I grew older I feared hurting and disappointing you (and those around me who depend on me). Now, I realize that deep relationships must stand on truth. The hiding is over; I am placing my love and trust in you.
    I’m sure by now you’re really wondering what this is all about…so here goes. For as far back into my childhood as I can remember, I have struggled with a secret that I tried so desperately to hide – the deep feeling within me that I should have been born a girl.
    This was something that I knew would displease you; and, throughout my life, I tried so hard to make you proud of me. Without going into detail, there were many, many times during my childhood (when I was alone) that I would dress as, and imagine being, a girl. As a teenager and young adult, when I saw a beautiful girl, I would (along with all my friends) outwardly express how much I wanted to “be with” her, while inside I was secretly – desperately – wishing I could “be” her. Despite my best attempts to deny them, these feelings have followed me all my life. They have not waned as I have grown; in fact, the feelings have only become more nagging and urgent as the years have passed.
    Throughout my life, the thought that someone would “find out about me,” scared me; and I worked very hard to keep my secret hidden. I wanted so desperately to have your approval and the acceptance of those around me that I became a master of hiding my secret and building a of “maleness” around me. I also distanced myself from the people who knew me best to minimize the likelihood that someone would discover my secret. Wherever possible within my life, I set up barriers to prevent myself from being able to act upon what I was feeling inside. To a degree, I was successful…but, like the feelings, the secret was always there.
    When I was growing up, I thought I was the only person in the world in such a dilemma. It wasn’t until later in life that I learned that there are others like me. Since then, I have done a significant amount of research, spending many hundreds of hours reading medical and psychological material on the subject. Long ago, I learned that there is a name for my condition – Gender Identity Disorder (GID). It is characterized by a pervasive, life-long identity with the opposite gender. It is not homosexuality; it is not a fetish, nor transvestism (crossdressing), nor anything related to sex. It is not an issue of sex at all; it is a matter of personal gender identity – the sense of what (and who) one is.
    As I have grown and learned more about myself and my condition, I have become more accepting of this part of myself. More than that, as time has marched on, I have begun to feel more and more compelled to adjust my life to relieve the emotional discomfort and depression that is caused by the tension between who I am…inside…and how I present myself to the rest of the world. But it seemed the harder I tried the more difficult it was to hide. I found dressing like a female every day helped me feel more, myself.
    Despite years of hiding, I had to do something – now. I had to finally face this part of myself – head on; and I had to find someone to discuss it – immediately. While searching on-line for answers, I stumbled upon someone’s on-line website – a transgendered girl living in Australia – whose biography read like my life, right down to being born a boy. Here was someone who I could relate to. Here was someone I could contact, anonymously over the web, with no fear of my secret “getting out.” I contacted her via an anonymous e-mail address and began an on-going “electronic dialog.” Over a number of weeks, I began to feel a little better (although no less scared) about who I am. I also began to realize that denial of my true self would continue to drive me deeper into depression. Like me, she had experienced the same stresses of self-denial and the same fears of discovery. Like me, her feelings had led her into deep depression and thoughts of suicide. At one point, she had even attempted to kill herself. I did not (and still do not) want to ever reach that point in my life. Thus, I resolved to stop living the lie and begin the process to change my life. I have begun planning my transition. Over all, the process itself will take several years to complete, but I can’t (and won’t) turn back.
    After reaching this conclusion, I decided that I needed to actually talk to someone about this. I needed to begin the process of moving forward. I decided that I needed to share my secret – verbally – with someone who knew me. That person would be someone who had known me for a long time, who I could call and talk to, and, yet, who was far enough away (and far enough removed from my life) that they could not adversely affect my life, my timetable, and my plans if my revelation was poorly received. I needed to talk to someone “safe” who knew “me.” Kori, my girlfriend from high school, fit the description. Over many years, we have kept in touch, mostly through cell phone texting and Skype.
    I am absolutely certain that my gender identity is that of a female. I know this is a terrific shock to you, and I am sorry – very sorry – for the pain it must cause you. It is not something I have been able to face for 20 years. Now, I realize that it doesn’t “go away”…it’s who I am. I have to come to terms with it; I can no longer live within this perpetual pretension. In recent years, through my contacts with professional counselors and with others, I have finally realized that I did not choose to be this way, and that despite the stigma placed it by society, it is not something to be ashamed of.
    Be assured, this is not something whimsical. Obviously, there is a great gulf between the “me” that you (and the world) have always known and the “me” that I have lived with all my life and feel I must to be true to now. This journey isn’t easily trod or even lightly undertaken; but it is something I must do. Luckily there are many resources available to help me. I do not plan to rush into this, but gradually and methodically take the steps to transition my life. I’m sure that you will have a thousand questions; and, in time, I will try to answer them all.
    Like I said, I’ve come to terms with it. I’m not shouting it from the rooftops, but I’m not ashamed either. I know it may take time, but I hope you will not be ashamed either. I have prepared resources for you when you are ready for them. I realize too, that it may be some time before you will be ready to discuss this with me, and that is OK. I understand. I have agonized a lifetime over telling you this. It was so hard to write, and I have held back for so long to spare you the pain I know you now feel. But, I want you to be a part of my life. I will hope that, together, we will find a place in our minds to understand and a place in our hearts to love and support one another.
    Take your time; this is a lot to digest. This is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong (and as far as that goes, neither did I). You are the most wonderful mom anyone could ever ask for. The best things you could ever do for me were to love and support me, and if you hadn’t done those things in the past, I wouldn’t be bothering to tell you this now. Now that you know, I need your love and support more than ever.
    You may be wondering if I like men and if I have a Boyfriend? Well I am a Bi-sexual, so I like both men and Woman; I am attractive to woman more though so that would make me a lesbian as I am a woman.
    I hope you will always support me and Love me for the son Daughter that you have. I will always love you and never keep a secret as big as this from you.

    All my Love: Amy Finch,

    Just let me know how that is in the comments, and I hope no one here is rude, or stops being my friend for who I really am.

  2. I'm so glad that your Mum is supportive and that things went well with coming out to her, this truly is a beautiful letter too!
  3. Good for you finch. I hope everything goes well for you as far as this is concerned from here on out!
  4. I personally am not, but I love that your mother was supportive in your decision.
    finch_rocks_1 and CadenMann like this.
  5. This is beautiful. I am so glad that your mother is very supportive. That letter was very touching, too.
    We3_Nub and finch_rocks_1 like this.
  6. Alright, it took me a while of thinking and few re-readings. I now know that your mother did not write the letter, you did. I did tear up a bit, you could imagine the confusion I had towards the end when I thought your mother referred to herself as a son daughter. I now understand :p
    If you do not mind, I do have a few questions.
    • If I understand correctly, you have been physically female for a while, right?
    • Has this changed your lifestyle greatly? (Aside from the obvious gender change?)
    I hope I was not being rude by writing this. I am not sure what really offends people :/
    Rest assured, I still think of you as one of my peasants :p:D:rolleyes:
  7. You're really strong Finch, just know that here at the Empire that we all support you too. I admire your courage. It's nice to see you turn in to the person you really are and I hope that all is well on your end Finch!
  8. Great that your mom is supportive. This world can use more people like her in it.
  9. I'm glad to have stumbled across this post.
    For some reason, I felt liked I had known this for a while, actually.
    I'm really proud of you writing and sending the letter, it's really tough to share things like this with someone like your mother.
    There are some questions that came up while reading this, though: do you have a father too? I mean, you obviously have, but is he still alive? Does he still live with your mother?
    And also: how do you know you're supposed to be a girl, when you often are attracted to girls?
    finch_rocks_1 and CadenMann like this.
  10. Girls can be attracted to girls too, just saying...
  11. I am sure he didn't mean that way :p
    Same way how you know you are currently male. You just know.
  12. Hooray Finch! I'm glad you're being you and your mom is supportive :). Not Transgender myself but Genderfluid.
  13. I see nothing wrong in that statement....
  14. You are a very brave person! Thank you for sharing this letter with us. :)
    We3_Nub and finch_rocks_1 like this.
  15. *claps a million times* :)
  16. Hey finch, you're lucky that you have the wits and the talent to express yourself like this, to hold your life in your hands and plan your future. You're on a good way.

    I guess you did 10x times more research on this than me, still I'd like to share few thoughts.
    Gender is not a scale from 99% woman to 99% man (nobody is 100%, including myself :)), there are many dimensions and aspects.
    Gender changes in many aspects through the life. One example easy to understand for most people is when a "woman" changes into a "grandmother". But there are also numerous changes that are not (only) hormone-driven.
    Gender changes are more intensive until one reaches the age of 25 more or less.
    The principle of life in this universe AFAWK is diversity. Diversity is not only good, it is necessary for survival.
    People did know about gender differences from ancient times and some tribes had names and roles for 5 "sexes" etc.
    No one should be forced to choose to be either stereotype "man" nor stereotype "woman" - no matter in which aspect, well, with some trivial exceptions :).
    Be yourself! You have great personality.
    Congratulations & best luck!
  17. Well, the sentence DOES end with an ellipsis which means that it COULD be an unfinished thought, and so does yours.

    What else are you guys thinking!>! ;-;
    boozle628 likes this.
  18. Whether it'd be appropriate to use a smiley or not, amongst other things :p
    607, boozle628 and Dwight5273 like this.
  19. Well, everyone except SEPTHEKID knows..