I had no idea what OWSLA was until this post. Nothing. I don't like the 'music' any of their artists create.
Yes and no. It's a musical genre. It has a beat and structure to it. Therefore it's music... to me, in the loosest term of the word. Yes. I mean, I was going to anticipate being at least 30 (14 years left oshit) before I have one and I was going to marry a woman... I'm calling the girl Anastasija (this version looks cooler).
Right now I want to tell the girl I like how I feel (<- ew cheesy). But I can't. She came to me for advice the last time someone admitted their feelings to her and she pushed them away, and I don't want that to happen to me - but at the same time I feel like I have to. Not that there'd be a point. She lives 1,000 miles away from me and we've never met in real life. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even want to talk to me - I'm not sure if it's in my head or not, but she's pushed me away before (her attitude towards me changed within an hour) and I'm always scared she'll do it again. It makes me feel so damn stupid, but there you go. I want good GCSE results. Before they started my SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) said she thought I'd do better in the 'forest school' - you only do five GCSEs (enough to get into a college if you do well) rather than the usual 10-12(?) and beef your CV up with awards and other qualifications. It would compensate for my maths, which I was destined to fail (I have discalculia - basically a form of dyslexia with maths, as I've stated above) I denied because I didn't want to be bullied for going into a 'retard school' and I kind of regret that decision. I can't think about this without going into anxiety overdrive: I did barely any revision because I kept putting it off and assured myself I'm smart enough to remember what I had to remember (which was true to an extent but there was small, important details in stuff I always think about). I missed one of the exams and that will cost my parents a lot if anyone realises I missed it (I wasn't thinking right at the time and mistook the time ). I barely wrote anything in one of the exams and finished neither of my R.E exams because my thoughts were somewhere else during both of the exams. My grades were nosediving from the beginning of Year 11 No amount of 'good luck's instilled confidence in me and teachers were telling me I'd do well - I don't think I did. I get those results in just under 2 weeks now and I'm scared. I want to go do stuff in college but I'm scared my phobia of social interaction is going to hold me back in everything. I never made any friends in classes over my five years in that class and people always asked me why I was so quiet - I told my mum's friend's daughter that I thought I had social anxiety (we got paired together for a Spanish activity and she asked me why I didn't talk to people and she was pretty nice and wouldn't tell other people so I was like "yeah I'll say") one time. People tell me not to let it get the best of me but even talking to my hairdresser or paying for stuff with a cashier makes me freeze up and I can't help it. I feel like I'm better than I was a few years ago but It's not enough. I want to make a game. I think. I keep putting that off too because I'm very good at being lazy and I'm not sure if I want to anymore. I also want to leave the UK but it's very difficult and impractical for an 18 year old (how old I want to be when I do it) to do that Writing this kind of made me tear up
I had lots of problems in school before, that being with grades and people. The problem I had was the fact that I went to a french school, which proved to be the biggest problem. I think the problem you have seem to be having is that you are procrastinating which can easily be fixed but trying to make school more interesting for yourself. As for the idea that you have social anxiety, I believe that can be untrue. You are a very active member of the community here. Now I know you don't actually know us (well I can tell you that none of you know who I am, but some Canadian teenager from Ontario), but think of it this way. If you can be an amazing member of our community why not try that in your life. Find people who you have things in common with and don't be afraid to talk to them, because if there is anything I've learned is that they will eventually get to know you and not care about your problems and as you with theirs. Maybe even try to go to some social event (not some party though, there is better things to do with your life than partying). By social event I would refer to a school dance or maybe even going to a movie theater with some friends. I hope you don't mind me helping you, kinda a thing I can't help but do for people.
I don't pick favourite staff members. I try to be impartial because, 1) they're people and I treat them the same as everyone else, 2) if I ever feel the need to voice an opinion against one again, I don't want to hold back on what I feel because they're my 'favourite'. Kind of contradictory to my first point, but I appreciate them all and what they do. Probably signing in for the first time. I'm not that amazing - I do try to be a nice person in real life, but it's beyond difficult. Like I said above, I can get panicked at the slightest thing - stranger asks me a small question, I'll stutter the answer and mumble and try to answer as quickly as possible. It extends to the people I consider friends too besides three of them - I put on this fake accent, I stopped trying to make jokes because people weren't laughing at them and I decided that it would make people laugh if I acted like a dumbass - it did but they just thought I was exactly what I was trying to look like. My other 'friends' don't invite me out with them, and the other three I'm comfortable with don't even go outside because they have the same problems with communication as I do, just on the scale they don't like going out of their house. We're literally the saddest people on Earth School events weren't much of a thing (there was prom at the end of Year 11 but I didn't go), and I don't think the college I'm going to does them, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. Plus I'm hopefully doing a course purely focused on IT and there will be other nerdy people there who I'll fit in with. Fresh start, wouldn't hurt to throw myself out there a little bit. And nope, I appreciate you trying to help.
