Today Was Rough (DISHEARTENING)

Today was tough. I legitimately felt depressed to the point that I started crying, without feeling any different. I cried, because it was normal. I normally try to put a facade when I play video games because it’s an escape, an RPG if you will. I wanna be someone different someone who makes a difference when playing games. It’s why I like EMC so much. There’s so much talent and kindness packed into one server that it makes me wanna be better, so I try to be better... On the server.
I’ve been battling depression for nearly 7 years (It’s been that long). By the time I was 11 we started following my dad as he was deployed in the Navy. My mom was tired living without him and she pulled us from the school system and moved us. At first it was exciting, new place, now friends right? Well, wrong. I moved, I left all of my friends behind and it was awful. But I didn’t cry. I saw how happy my mom was when she was with my dad and that made me smile. If I cried it would be selfish right?
Depression is hard, obviously, but like it’s so hard to the point that you have to rely on others to support you, if you’re kicked while you’re down who’s gonna pick you up? I know that this is just a classic sob story that I’ve seen many times while being on here. And this is so out of character for me. But I got a slap that waked me up from the dream I was in.
So when I was 11, moving back to this, we moved to Florida. Sunshiney and happy. Except for me... I felt like closing myself up in my room for hours on in and scream into my pillow until my throat bled. I didn’t go to public school at all. I was thrown into being homeschooled (What choice did I have? I was 11). I got picked on by the neighbors because apparently being homeschooled is a bad thing? (Never got that but okay) So I stayed inside, we had consoles but I never played them, I always thought playing alone was boring. Until one day my dad got Xbox Live for himself. He showed us how to play online and always taught us not to tell anyone our names or homes or anything about ourselves and as long as we agreed we could play for an hour.
So we played, an hour a day, online, with people who didn’t care who I was, who didn’t judge me because they didn’t know me. I liked it, I liked being online, I liked playing games. So fast forward a few years with this mentality. I got my own computer and my own time/space, and instead of playing for 1 hour I’d play for 16 hours... Life was fine, or so I thought. School was falling behind, I was doing awful in tests, and I became an introvert. I didn’t go outside because there was nothing for me out there. Everyone judged me because of who I was and I didn’t want to be judged so I put on a mask. Every time I did go outside I faked a smile, I faked a laugh, I faked a conversation and I faked everything because I knew that if I just went along with whatever it was that I was doing, I could play my game soon enough.
But today, I’m 18, I’m doing early high school work, and I don’t have a job, I’m behind on my school and I feel the pressure of life creeping up on me. I don’t know what I want to do with my life because I’ve never experienced anything. I’m writing this because I can’t talk to anyone any other way and I don’t know how... I’ve never taken off my mask in real life. Until today. So I’m watching my niece and nephew she’s 9 months old he’s 5 and a real handful. He loves my mom, his grandmother, nearly to death and whenever something doesn’t go his way he throws a fit (like any normal 5 year old would) so I’m watching him and my mom’s putting my niece down for a nap and he wakes her up several times over until finally my mom gets frustrated (understandable) but then... I get frustrated...
She tells me to get off my game, get out of my room, and just starts yelling at me for stuff I’d never even done and then finally I snap. I yell some things I’d rather not repeat and when it’s all over she takes my niece and nephew down the stairs and as I follow she turns to me and says “Get away.” This hurt... I felt alienated, unwanted, unloved. Even for that moment I still tried to smile, I just couldn’t... My mask fell off and I was done. I laid on my floor because I didn’t have the strength to get into bed. I cried into the carpet because I couldn’t lift my arms to wipe my face. I even contemplated an alternative. I wish there was a happier ending to this story. But life’s not always a happy ending, but I still know that I’m here. I pulled myself off the floor and I’m still fighting. With or without a mask... One day I only hope to smile... For real.

I didn’t write this for I’m sorrys or pity. A million sorrys are worth just a much as one thank you. So: Thank you Empire, for reading this. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to thank you and to share a brief battle in a war that I’ve been fighting and will fight for years to come.

Very difficult subject for me. I've ran into players before who had issues with depression and all that and well... I can say one thing: I don't have the foggiest clue how you must be feeling. I also won't try to come up with ideas, tips, suggestions because in the end they're basically all the same and because of that sound all very clichéd even though that's honestly not the intention.

What I do think is important that you (try to) talk to your mother about this. Mothers know a lot about their children (it's not just a saying) but... At least (try to) explain to her what's bugging you. And if you really didn't mean the stuff you said then I'd definitely make sure to tell her as well. That is important.

Other than that.. yah, really hope you hang in there and I'm happy to hear that EMC can be a bit of a stress relief.

Don't give up, live's worth it, I'ave thought about suicide myselfe some days, I didn't do annything, and I can tell you agian, life's worth it, the first time I thought about it was because I hadn't any friends (exept for Tom,we wll know who that is), I was bullied and came frequelcily back from home with blue spots, they made me think I was stupid, everyone beleved it (this wasn't true, 99% of the people has got a IQ lower than me, but is feels really bad if you think you're stupid), I could just stop them with stopping being myselve, but I didn't, I think this is importand for you aswell, STAY YOURSELVE you will one day find people that acept you the way you are. Back to my story, the only one who I felt was loving me whas my mother, so, I thought, I'll be here just for my mother, two weeks later, I heard my mom had pancreatic cancer, and only tree weeks to live. I pushed trough, and tree weeks became one year, at that moment I realized how importend my mother was for me, I just didn't realize how much my mother did do for me untill she stopped doing things because she was to ill. The only thing she was able to to was sitting / lying and drinking tea, so that was what I did, I drunk three cans of tea every day with her, and talk, strange enough did all my sadness stop at that moment (well, kind of...) Just because I had someone to really talk to, and discuss my, and so her, problems with, half a year later, I'd go to the "middelbare school" secundairy school in Englisch, I'd go to a school with people who are as smart as I am, who, hopefully, acepted me the way I was. at the moment the first school ended, and for the first time I was exited about going to school, My mother died that cristmas (the 12th of december, one year and 10 months after we heard she had only tree weeks to live) I was really sad, of corse, but I didn't need her annymore to protect me from myselve.

So, remember: Every story with have a good ending if you write long enough, and life is only good, as long as it is immovable untill death. "en alleen is leven leven, als het tot de dood ontroerd"

It's good that you are still fighting you depressions. Stick to it, no matter what. When my father left to work in America for two years when I was seven, I cried myself to sleep for the first, what, six hundred days?
Through my battle was not nearly as long as yours may to be, when my father got back, there was the silver lining… my family became billionaires (not to brag or lie.) Turns out, as long as I kept fighting, I overcame the self pity. Of course, now I am thirteen, but i still think back to those times. This is my motivation to do well in school, to try my best to be kind to others both in virtual format and real life format.
I've been pulling the same lie for many years. My dad was gifted a successful company. Today shall be the day where this all unfolds. I've learned as long as you are diligent and fight for something, there will be a silver lining through the clouds.