One thing I notice immediately about the writing: "He said / She said." The word "said" is used twelve times in the last few paragraphs, and follows every line of dialogue. This is bad. Mustang, I'm going to share two points of advice, and trust me when I say they'll make all your dialogue 200% better. Always begin a new line / paragraph whenever the speaker changes. No one except Ben Stein just "says" something. They express it. First one's pretty simple, and Chocolate800 already pointed it out on page 1, but it bears repeating. I know - from experience - that formatting new lines in a Minecraft book, ingame, can be a right pain in the behind, particularly when the text and character limits per page are already so low. But trust me when I say it's extremelyimportant to the readability of your story, or anything else you write. Second: Avoid said, or give it an adverb if you do use it. There are so many different ways to "say" something that unless you're a monotone robot like Microsoft Sam, or the equally deadpan Ben Stein, you are inflecting emotion into every word. Use that! If someone runs up to you, they won't just say "Help." They'll shout it! Or, "Help!" my friend panted breathlessly. "Said" is boring by itself.Think how the words were said. Loud or quiet, angry or timid, excited or bored? Put those emotions into your writing and you'll be amazed at how much better it reads. Also note that sometimes the speaker / adjective / verb can come before the dialogue too. Example: Becomes: Now, I rewrote it with a little of my own writing style - yours obviously may differ as you continue to develop it. The intent is to show how much more emotion you can put in your work, just by swapping "said" for some synonyms, or throwing an adjective in there. (*Also note I shortened Krysyy's name in every case after Maxarias speaks it - once you identify her as "Krysyy," it's not really necessary to keep writing out the whole "Krysyyjane9191" unless you're feeling masochistic. It'll also make things much easier to write in-game, because of the decreased character usage.)
I already have someone helping me but thanks anyways also the mistakes will be corrected in the book.
