Jokes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by AverageWalrus, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. So ive noticed we lack a proper thread for telling jokes, so here is one. I shall start off by telling a joke


    So, two guys have been lost in the desert for weeks, wandering aimlessly looking for civilization or an oasis or something, when suddenly, they spy a tree in the distance.
    When the two get closer, they see that the tree is draped in rasher upon rasher of bacon. Crispy Bacon, Smoked Bacon, Turkey Bacon, all sorts.
    "Oh my god John!" Says the first one, "Its a bacon tree, we're saved!"
    "You're right" says John
    So, John, terribly hungry after weeks of wandering in the desert, sprints toward the tree, but as he gets within 5 feet of the tree, John is shot down by machine guns.
    "John! What happened!" His friend calls out.

    With his dying breath, John says
    "Its not a bacon tree."
    "Its a Ham Bush."
  2. There's no "Groan" button, so I'll just press "Like".

    I guess I have to watch this one now...
    OshowattFan77, Kytula and JDHallows like this.
  3. Why did I laugh at this?

    *looks for a non-offensive and EMC-appropriate joke in backlog of jokes*
    *finds nothing*
    *looks at /r/jokes*
    I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day. I yelled, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!". They both ran away.

    I asked a German girl for her number. She said "999-9999".
  4. justin b is in the radio.. Is there a dial lower then mute
  5. Can we share jokes from other places?
    I don't really have many good ones I made up myself, but on another forum there's a person who posted some great ones.
    OshowattFan77 likes this.
  6. Here a few for you'l.

    If womb is said woom, and tomb is said toom, shouldn't bomb be said boom?

    After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
    “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
    “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up."

    What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
    “Curses! Foil again!”
    OshowattFan77, Kytula, SirTah and 4 others like this.
  7. Seeing as I did it above, yes lol.
    607 likes this.
  8. Why did I laugh....
  9. Obviously someone gave those sheep some wheat.
  10. Did you know I can knock down a tree just by looking at it? Yep.

    Saw it with my own eyes.
  11. Is your refrigerator running? If so, I might vote for it.
  12. I've got a super edgy joke from Reddit but I'm not willing to post it publicly. PM me if you want to see it and you won't get offended :p

    Here's one I'm okay with sharing :)
    Best Minecraft Servers
  13. What is a horse's number one priority when voting? A stable economy.
  14. How many creepers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One. The lightbulb will change into air. Thus, the creeper has changed it.
    TomvanWijnen likes this.
  15. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
  16. Well... credit to Colorful Arty.

    A man walks into a bar and notices there are several slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling by ropes.
    He asks the bartender, "Why are there slices of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
    The bartender replies, "Oh, that's one of the special things about this bar. Any customer can take the meat challenge here."
    The man asks, "What's the meat challenge?"
    The bartender answered, "You can try to jump as high as you can and see if you can touch the meat. If you succeed, you get free drinks for an hour, but if you fail, then you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar."
    The man said, "That is an interesting challenge."
    The bartender asked him, "Would you like to give it a try?"
    The man stopped, pondered for a while, and then shook his head saying, "I don't think so. The steaks are too high."
  17. Made this one up today....

    Once there was a sword, this sword was named "The Truth". It was the best sword in all the land, it was the sharpest, strongest, most deadly of all swords. But The Truth had a problem, it had no where to hold on the the blade.
    So craftsmen from all around the land came to put a grip on this sword. They tried with iron, gold, jewels, wood, cow bone, but nothing would stay on the sword. Do you know why? Here is the answer.
  18. So, here's a real "dirty" joke.

    As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
    The plot thickens.
    Patr1cV, TomvanWijnen, Kytula and 5 others like this.
  19. Can confirm, this thought process was exactly the same for me as well.
    SoulPunisher likes this.