Jokes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by AverageWalrus, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. Okay, this one will push the boundaries a lil,but I'll tone down the language. ;)

    Three men are stranded on a forest island. They walk around, looking for someone, anyone. They are then quickly surrounded by a group of savage natives to the island.

    The men are taken to the leader, who is debating what to do with these trespassers. He says, "Go into the woods and collect 10 of the same fruit and bring them back here."

    The 3 men go out and start foraging. The first guy finds 10 apples and returns to the leader. He smiles and says, "If you can fit all 10 fruit in your butt, without making a noise, I'll let you go."

    The first guy gets one in and cries out on the second one. He is then killed.
    The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. The leader repeats himself and the 2nd guy starts the task. He gets 9 in and suddenly bursts out laughing. They kill him immediately.

    Up in heaven, the first guy sees the second guy and asks, "Dude! What happened? You were almost free to go!"

    He replies, "I saw the other guy come running up with 10 pineapples..."
  2. Three men walked into a bar.

    You'd think the third one would have ducked.
    Siwel23, TomvanWijnen, Kytula and 7 others like this.
  3. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get out of reach of North Korea's long range air missiles.

    Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken hasn't evolved yet.
    OshowattFan77, nltimv and SirTah like this.
  4. What's the difference between a console and a vacuum?

    The vacuum stops sucking when you turn it off.
  5. This is from the perspective of a divorcee that pushes the line again :p:

    Why did I get divorced?

    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.

    I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

    After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said,

    "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

    "Okay," I said.

    She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

    :D This joke is from The Laugh Factory.
  6. All these jokes came from the ocean but all of them are not as fishy as I hoped :p
  7. Okay, okay, one more from me today. :D

    A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

    Don't lie! You likely didn't read it. ;)
  8. Stop watching Nerdcubed, it's farmful to your health
    Patr1cV and SoulPunisher like this.
  9. I went on a bike ride the other day while on vacation in the mountains to see if I could find any legendaries in Pokemon Go. Unfortunately, I had to stop a lot sooner than I would have liked. It wasn't my fault, it was my bicycle's, you see.

    It was simply two tired.
  10. Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
  11. If NerdCubed was a terminal illness, I'd still want to have it my life.
    Patr1cV and __Khepri__ like this.
  12. Why did the old lady fall down the well?

    because she couldnt see that well.
  13. It's difficult to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
    Blondekid42, Uber_Corq and TotoStyle like this.
  14. So, I went to the doctor for hearing problems.
    The doctor told me "Can you describe the symptoms?"
    So I said "Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."
    607, CallumDAKing and TomvanWijnen like this.
  15. A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
    joshrocks78 likes this.
  16. An infamous killer is on death row, and he is allowed one last meal an hour before he dies.
    He asks if he can have his favorite food, which is Mexican, and the guards give him whatever he wants.
    An hour goes by, and it is time for him to go. One of the guard asks if he had any last words.
    The guy replies, "Yeah...pull my finger."
    joshrocks78 likes this.
  17. Here's a good one:

    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are stuck on top of a 1000-foot cliff. They can see the town below and can't remember how they got up there in the first place.

    An Angel pops up and says, "Hello girls. Let me assist you in your endeavor. I want you to go at a running start and jump off the cliff. As you fall, say something soft you wish to land in and you will be safe."

    The girls get excited and the Brunette goes first. She runs, jumps, and yells, "Pudding!!"

    She falls into a giant pile of pudding and walks put of the way. The pudding disappears.

    The redhead goes next. She runs, jumps, and yells, "Spaghetti!!"

    She falls into a giant pile of spaghetti and steps out of the way with the brunette.

    "Alright dear, now its your turn." The Angel says.

    The blonde takes a quick sprint, but trips over a rock as she runs and ends up falling off the cliff.

    "Craaaaap!!!!" She screamed.....
  18. Here's a great one:

    My life.
    haastregt and WitherDoggie like this.