// ＳＹＮＴＨＥＴＩＣ ＡＰＰＡＲＩＴＩＯＮ //Formerly SoulPunisher. I don't remember what 2015 was like for me. I don't remember how it felt to be me before February of 2016. I don't know who the pre-June version of me is anymore. See, life is funny like that. I'm scared of death, yet I've died 6,080 times - and counting. I'm dead, yet I'm not dead. I'm alive, but I'm not alive. I'm a different person with each passing second. But there's things that bind those people together - the atoms we make up, the space in which we live, the people we've met, the people we love and the people who love us, and our personality. Deep down, all those people are me. That personality changes, though. And for so long, I'd been wandering through life in this sorta bland, depressing existence. Someone who would wake up everyday and, somewhere at the back of his head, think 'I'm worth nothing' and feel like the only thing keeping him alive was the fear of death, and friends, and family. He was me on a December morning in 2015, and a common theme of his personality was shared with all other incarnations of me - that feeling of worthlessness. It's something that I've felt since... I have no idea, as long as I can remember. As long as it's been since I realised I was being bullied in class when I was around six years old. One of these versions of me - the 3,884th version of me - got his mother to buy him a game called Minecraft for Christmas, and he named the account 'SoulPunisher' out of his adoration for Dragon Ball Z and because it sounded edgy. The game became his escape, and subsequently Jamie version 4,291 chose a community - I'm looking at you, EMC - to be his new escape, his anchor. He developed some kind of an over-reliance on it to be a source of happiness and support. He was an idiot. That aspect of personality those people called me share doesn't bind me together with them anymore. This year, I think I reaaally changed. I met a person in February who has changed my life. She has no idea how much she means to me or what effect she's had on me, and I'm afraid of what she'd think if I told her so - not a matter of she's going to shut me out of her life, but a matter of whether she finds it cringworthy or stupid or not. We've had our ups and downs and at one point I thought I'd lost her in my life forever (looking at you, that entire month we didn't speak), but she's my best friend (one of them, at least). She set the things that have changed me this year into motion - introducing me to new music that I love so I'm not listening to the same songs everyday and wanting to rip my eyes out, deep and intellectual discussions I don't get with anyone else that make me question my perspective on things, someone who shares the same feelings and thought processes that I have, someone who makes me laugh and whom I can make laugh, somebody who I can just... be myself around, and somebody who reminded me for a little while of how damn sad my life can be. She's reminded me that I'm a person, not a robot. And on top of that, she's a pretty face who is the first one I see when I wake up and check my phone notifications - those notifications from her are a little reminder I have a reason to get out of bed now. She's my escape now - not EMC anymore. An actual escape, someone who can empathise with my situations who I don't use to cover said situations up with. EDIT KIND OF THING: Since writing this post like last night, I've thanked her for being my friend. The reaction absolutely was positive ;D I graduated from Secondary School in June this year. My grades were slipping all year, I did no revision until the final two weeks of exams, and I was not in a good place for the first batch of them. I nearly broke down crying in front of my school at one point because it was like life had decided to dump everything on me at once and I was not coping well. I took a long walk home on my sixteenth birthday - the worst birthday of my life - in the rain, after doing an extra hour on top of my eight hours of school I already had. I thought some stuff over, didn't listen to any music, and just put myself in touch with the outside. It helped me make a plan come to fruition two days later (which helped another plan come to fruition about two weeks later). Through a series of what was mostly coincidences and effort not on my part, I was okay again and I did extremely well in the second batch of exams. My two month break from school was mostly dominated by me worrying, staying up late at night, over the exam results - which I got in August, and they were totally fine. Better than I expected. I probably hastened my middle-age baldness's appearance during this time, but never-mind. It was a learning experience. So... It's 2017. I'm in college. I'm going to be 17 this year. I'm going to learn to drive. I am likely going to get a job. I hope I keep all my friends. It's going to be a big year for me. I'm a different personality to the one that I was January 2016. Much, much different. I'm happier - my world is going great for once (I'm sure you all know how I feel about the outside world...). I do not feel like the name I chose, 'SoulPunisher', is correct for me to identify with any longer. So, I'm choosing synthetic_apparition (Minecraft's stupid character limit made me have to do synth_). "What? Why?" you may ask. It's a line from a song. 'She's American' by The 1975 (favourite band lol). The full line is 'synthetic apparitions of not being lonely', which I feel I can relate to. It's from a thing I like. It's much less... aggressive than 'SoulPunisher'. I like how it sounds. It's not as depressing. And the 'apparition' part is still linked to 'Soul' in the old name, so you can still call me Soul if you want to. I just felt it was time for a change TL;DR: I overanalysed the reason to change my name way too much. This post belongs on /r/im14andthisisdeep. Also I'm doing an AMA if you want to ask questions. Happy 2017!
In a year - I'll probably still be in college if I decide to (I keep veering between 'drop out and get an apprenticeship' (which delays my moving out plan...), and 'stay on and complete A Levels, which I may or may not fail entirely). I hope I've visited Germany to go meet up with that friend by this point on some kind of weekend trip, maybe. And I'll likely have completed my driving lessons - which, if this goes how I want it to, will have been entirely useless. I hope I have a job. In five years, I hope I've left the UK. I hope I have some form of European citizenship, but I have no doubt the British government are going to rip that away from me too. I hope I've visited a few different countries (at least Ireland, Spain, Poland and maybe Serbia + Bosnia). I want to have seen The 1975 live in a concert. I hope I'm still in contact with my family and visit regularly. I hope I've started the career I want - which, even now, I guess I have, so I think that may be in the bag already In fifteen years I want to be married, maybe have had my first kid, and... yeah. I haven't really thought that far ahead.
Synth? Synthesizing? You'll need this! Ok, sorry, I stopped reading after 'synth'. My bad! And I know, it's a late response. I got back into EMC last weekend and believe me when I say that I only got some mining going today. I'm a slow player sometimes Hmm.... 'tis a delicate subject. Because it can most certainly be a source of happiness & support. Just like it can be a source of annoyance and maybe a little conflict. A bit of both? But it's also a little bit what you make of it. I think the main problem could be if you treat EMC like a one way street. Enjoying that which rolls out of the street. Nothing wrong with that, events (to name something) are held for a reason. But it's my experience that you'll get a lot more out of it when you're also willing to invest something yourself. BUT... this isn't about us, this is about you. So I'll hush and read on I am SO happy for you! Well.. You don't have to tell her flat out that you love her. You can go the gentle route, like simply saying how much you appreciate her and that she really changed your life. That's saying a lot yet also not saying too much. But what personally worked best for me was to wait for the moment when I was pretty much sure that the whole thing was mutual. I was still careful (see above) but yeah... I emphasized it, that part is more important than you might realize. Not just for you, but also for her. Being yourself and also not being afraid to open up also means that she gets a good and honest impression of you who really are. And honesty, my friend, is about the most important part in any relationship. Sometimes also the hardest, but yah... I know it's much too late, but it's honestly very well meant: belated congratulations! I'm really happy to read this because I can recall your stories about having issues with school and that you needed to focus your attention around. I'm happy to learn that you succeeded! But... Don't stop here! Try to keep it up! Reminds me to check up on my health insurance, thanks for reminding me Well, then I guess I got it all wrong up there but I'm leaving the whole thing anyway might get some good giggles So yeah... Happy 2017, I really hope you can keep it up. Thanks for sharing, I'll bet it's both for sharing but also to vent a little and get the whole thing out of your system. Which does bring me to one question, since you did mention AMA Does your friend know about EMC? More specific: is there any chance that she might read this? I'm pretty sure you know why I ask But yeah, thanks for sharing, keep it up! And as I said above: I'm really happy for you, it's good to hear that you did manage to set your heels into the ground and moved your whole life around to a more positive attitude. Please keep it up!
I've considered that too, and eh... perhaps it'd be better if she wouldn't come here reading Jamie's posts any time soon... At least, that's how I felt with Lanata. But that's the interesting thing about EMC. Everything you post is posted publicly... but unless perhaps you're some famous person there is only a slim chance people outside of EMC, people you know from elsewhere, will read your stuff. I definitely wouldn't want my mother to read my statuses on this site! (@Jamie: I hope it's no problem that I responded to this question, as I saw you'd read it already anyway, and I felt familiar with this question myself)
That's exactly what I did. I got a 'AWWW', 'YOU'RE SO TUMBLR", and a "I LOVE YOU TOO" back. Not sure how she viewed it later on when we weren't both absolutely wasted on beer and wine, but I'm sure she understands the sincerity of it since I never said anything like 'oh no' towards it - in fact, I'd been planning it for weeks and already had it written up days in advance We're not together. Something's definitely changed since New Year's Morning (when I sent the big paragraphs explaining how much I appreciate her) - in a good way (besides her... 'episodes' which I've tried to help with as much as I can, the 800 miles between us taken into account) Thank you. I do try to keep it up. My grades are pretty good for the point I'm at with my A Levels (about a quarter of the way through now) and when you take into account outside influences - but I do find myself being unable to focus on anything in lessons sometimes and often I do skip them completely (I always catch-up later on though). Thanks for the reminder I don't think there's any chance she'll read this. She doesn't know this site exists, I make extra sure to not alert her that I'm here, and I'll try and keep it that way forever or at least until I delete all the stuff that relates to her I've posted here. I have offered her the opportunity to play video games with me, and when I first met her she said she used to love them until her brother moved out. Her parents are from a very traditional Eastern European country and so never bought her any games because it wasn't a girly thing (they've also banned her from getting tattoos and piercings beyond her ears... she's designed a tattoo for her brother before and offered to design me one for when I turn 18, so she clearly likes them, and it's just a shame she can't get one until she moves out). We'll see though... But first, dirty charades is a thing she introduced me to and I want to play that more.
