My Fantasy Book

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by belac555, Nov 6, 2019.

  1. Hey guys, so I recently got into this so this is a work in progress
    I will upload as I finish chapters

    As of uploading this I only have the prologue done.
    Any thoughts or suggestions you have will be greatly appreciated. © Caleb Massengill 2019

    The Beginning.

    Chapter One

    It all began on a dirty rock-filled planet called Hurdarom. Although this planet was mostly rock, it did have a few natural wonders. Mainly, the giant Blactara Forest. It was home to many of the animals on this planet. It had hundred-foot trees that had been alive at the time of the elves. In the middle of this forest was the great Earthbuster Spout. It was given this name because every time water erupted from the hole it made the surrounding area shake so badly it seemed to bust the earth. This forest also supplied all the wood used by the dwarves and it was also home to a different, unseen type of dwarves, the forest dwarves. In a time long forgotten a band of elves mysteriously appeared in the middle of this forest. The elves came from a place long forgotten by the dwarves. The elves found the forest dwarves and because those dwarves honored the forest above all else, the elves saw fit to bestow upon them the secrets of elven magic. They taught them to grow food with magic and they taught them to read and to write. Now, these secrets are long forgotten but there are some, who still hold these secrets dear. These are by far the most advanced of the dwarves but they are certainly not the only ones.

    As I watched the sun peak over the top of the Shattered Peaks, I, Kurruc Metalbreaker, sighed deeply. I was the captain of the Royal Guard and one of the advisors to the King. My red-gold armor that clearly signified that I was the Captain was shining brightly in the sun. As was my Royal Advisor’s cloak . I earned my positions through hard work and perseverance. Now, as I watched the morning dew glint from the sun’s rays, I realized that as successful as I was, I needed something different. I wanted to explore the forests, visit other places and see everything I could. As I watched the city come alive around me, I watched the sun glint off the windows in the town. Each chimney one after the other, slowly started to pump out smoke and as children started to get up and run around, the younger ones just playing and the older ones usually on some sort of errand for their fathers or mothers. I also saw others walking to the town well, obviously getting water to start the day. After watching all of this for what was probably the 100th time, I realized that I needed to leave. I was bored. I was so used to the same thing every day that it was starting to make me dull. I made up my mind then and there that I was going to tell the King that I quit after my shift. I then heard footsteps coming up behind me, but before I could turn, someone started talking.
    “Kurruc, you're late again!” I immediately knew it was Surge Metalbreaker, Royal Advisor to the King.
    “Sir, I had no idea you'd be out here today.”
    “ Well, that's the idea of a random duty check.” Surge chuckled.
    “ Yes sir, I know, I just figured with how peaceful and quiet it is, there would be nothing to check.”
    “ Yes, but you see Kurruc, if you aren't watching when it's peaceful then why should you be Captain of the Guard? Truth be told Kurruc, I'm not just out here to check on you. we have received word the king may be in danger...”
    “The King?! Who would desire to kill him? He is a fair and just dwarf, and he rules with kindness and compassion.”
    “ Yes, but not all people love a king that rules with fairness.”
    “ Who would be so bold as to try to kill the King?”I said while admiring the craftsmanship that built the walls around the city.
    “That I do not know, but whoever it is must-have powerful allies indeed to even begin to formulate such a plan against one so well-protected, as King Steelforger.” He said.
    “Well, my watch is over, and there's the replacement now. let us go and see what the king’s thoughts on the situation are.” I said as I watched the new recruit run down the path as if all the world was hanging in the balance.
    As I watched him run up the stairs I noticed something peculiar. I saw a man in a hooded cloak walking from the gate up towards the castle. now usually, it would be nothing out of the ordinary. Lots of dwarves wear cloaks when traveling, but this person was much too tall and brutish to be a dwarf. As I watched he broke into a run and drew a hulking, jagged sword from beneath the cloak. The sword seemed to almost pull in the sunlight and seemed to make the ground near the figure lose its color. I yelled “Stop that cloaked figure!” and immediately two rows armored battle-hardened wolves converged on him to try to stop him.
    As they surrounded him, I ran down from a wall and ran up the cobblestone street past many watchful townspeople, towards him. before I could get to them the figure started chanting in a language that was dark and seemed guttural. one of my men yelled “ He's casting a spell!” but it was too late. The hooded figure clapped his hands and seemed to vanish.

    “Get to the king!” I screamed. I ran passed all the stunned dwarves and made a mental note that if we ever got out of this alive, I would teach those idiots about magic. As I passed all the different maids and soldiers I yelled ‘Defend the King!” and by the time I got to the king’s suites, I had a squad of battle-hardened dwarves at my back. As soon as I opened the doors I knew something was wrong. In the first room of the suites, the gathering room, there was no laughter of the king’s many children. I ran past toys and axes and shields. I ran until I felt like my legs would explode under me. Finally, I reached the king’s bedroom. I saw the king and queen laying there in a pool of blood that was slowly expanding. I knew immediately that I was too late. I ordered my men to go search the other rooms in the suite. I knew what they would find. Sure enough, they found all of the king’s relatives dead in their rooms. I looked around the king’s room for any clues as to where the killer might be. All I saw was his normal room, besides the bodies on the floor. As I was doing this the royal doctor rushed in and knelt beside them both. I saw tears falling from his face after a minute. He got up with his face ashy gray and said “The King and Queen, are dead!”
  2. Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.
  3. Ahh, Anton Chekov

    Update, Should have the 1st chapter done by tonight
  4. Ok, final update of the night. I have brushed up the prologue to be a bit longer and I have also made Chapter 1 longer as well. Please, read and comment with thoughts or ideas!

    Thanks, Belac555!
  5. Yeah, you're telling a lot. I would really sugegst looking into some of the creative writing lessions on showing vs telling. The prologue is telling only, which makes even those few lines become boring quite quickly.

    I've followed a few creative writing courses, and mainly: two of my best friend write a lot, but I'm far from a good writer myself. (especially in Englisch, my second langue) (might be usefull to keep in mind when I give further comments :p )
    I would have some more comments, but most of this looks like you're quickdrafting (writing everything start to finish in one go, to only properly write the sentences later), in which case all of those comments would be irrelevant :p

    Also, I would really suggest getting a bit more enaging with first lines. (Not only the first line of the story, but also of the chapters, and sometimes even paragaphs) They have a lot of impact on the reader, meaning you can get a lot of ideas across in one sentence. Most of the time, It's also the place to introduce the main theme and maybe even a motief. For example, this are the ones I used for some short stories: (All translated from Dutch)

    "I never saw my brother commiting suicide. Neither did I see the attic, sprankeled with his blood, or the bottle of whisky, that must've stood beside him.
    He was twelve."
    (Ik heb nooit mijn broer zelfmoord horen plegen; nooit de zolder gezien, bespat met zijn bloed; of de fles whisky, die naast hem zou hebben gestaan.)
    - A story about the unknoweblilety of reality, and the unrealness of humen experience

    "The monster's name was Damastes, nickname: Procustes. I don't know how many arms he had, how many eyes he used to angryly look at me, but I'm safe here. That is what my mother told me" (reference: )
    (Het monster heette Damastes. Zijn bijnaam was Procustes. Ik weet niet hoeveel armen hij had, met hoeveel ogen hij me boos heeft aangekeken, maar hier ben ik veilig. Dat heeft mijn moeder me verteld.)
    - A sotry about the stickt ideals of modern day society, and how that makes people feel who are not nessecairy in teh right place to act in ways the society wants them to. The monster in this story is immaginairy, made up by the eight year old child

    Better jet, take an example from one of my favourite authors:

    "He would have done better if he had only focussed on his nose and his taste, and then still only to the extend they made him taste and smell the rot of his own body: what his ears noticed was hopelessly entagled with his fear, everything he touched got a different skin, and his eyes didn't see anything else than the specticle his poisionned brain put up for him.
    (Hij had er beter aan gedaan van al zijn zinnen uitsluitend de reuk en smaak te vertrouwen, en dan nog alleen voor zover ze hem zijn eigen verrotting lieten ruiken en proeven: wat zijn oor ving was onherkenbaar vervormd door angst, onder zijn aanraking kregen de dingen onmiddellijk een ander huid, terwijl zijn ogen zelfs wijd opengesperd niet veel anders zagen dan het schouwspel dat zijn vergiftige brijn voor zichzelf opvoerde.)
  6. Would you mind showing me an example of how you would change it to make it better?
  7. Can you change the text colour to white?
  8. Done
    Otus_NigRum likes this.
  9. Update for the night.

    I decided to change the story around from 3rd person omniscient to 1st person and decided to make it a bit more showing and a bit less telling

    Hope you guys like it and remember that any suggestions are welcome
  10. Sure :p
    I don't know if I'm trying too hard to be a teacher, but I'm quite into creative writing, so I thought it would be fun to talk about it a bit. :)
    Also, I will note that
    1: I am new to the genre of fantasy: Most of the creative writing I have done has a derect purpuse, or, in other words, had the need of being fiction, because I wanted to communicate a feeling that didn't go so well through a normal essay. I'm more of an academic writer.
    2: Most of the things I have learned in the past 2/3 years of having creative writing as a hobby don't work in English. You might expect the art of storrytelling to be the same in every langue, but there is a lot of difference, especially on sentence level.

    Anyway. This is how I would change your first paragraph, solly focussing in showing vs telling:

    As I watched the sun peak over the top of the Shattered Peaks, I, Kurruc Metalbreaker, I was the captain of the royal guard and one of the advisors to the king.
    The sky around the Shattered Peaks slowly shifted to yellow as the first rays of light hit the valley I was so familiar with. I straightened my back. The dark red robes, signalling me being the captain of the royal guard, skimmed over the path through the village.
    -> You can probably see yourself what I changed. Instead of saying he is a captain of the royal guard, I show how other people see he is a captain of the royal guard. Aditionally: dark red is usually used as a simble for staticness, and the need of change. I also changed the sentences to be active instead of passive, making the text feel more alive.

    As I watched the city come alive around me, with smoke coming from chimneys and children starting to run everywhere.
    One by one, the chimneys started blowing smoke, colouring orange in the morning sun. The children left the houses, running around while their parents went to the well in the centre of the town, getting the water needed to start the day.
    -> Again, instead of telling teh city came alive, you show how he sees that it comes alive: "show not tell" refers to describing sensory information derectly, instead if telling what that sensory information means: a reader is smart enough to figure that out by themselves.

    I had earned my positions through hard work and perseverance. Now, as I watched the morning dew glint from the sun’s rays, I realized that as successful as I was, I needed something different. I wanted to explore the forests visit other places and see everything I could.
    I realized that I needed to leave. I made up my mind then and there that I was going to tell the King that I quit after my shift.
    I watched the mountains. I know that behind them is another village, called Lapide, but they too are surrounded with mountains, they too have villages around them, forests I have never been to, peaks jet to climb. What more was there to see of this world?
    -> Basically the same thing as before: instead of telling what the emotions mean (I feel like I have to leave) you invite the reader into their heads, and make them feel like the character wants to leave, without derectly telling them. Additionally: Lapide is Latin for something like "first step in a journy" or, more derectly translated: stepping stone.

    I then heard footsteps coming up behind me, but before I could turn, someone started talking.
    “Kurruc, you're late again!” Said a gruff voice behind me. as I turned around and saw the familiar figure of Surge Chainbreaker, Grand Advisor to the King, I dropped into my customary salute.
    “You’re late again.” The guff voice came from behind.

    -> By suddenly entering in dialogue, you feel like you've wondered of with your thoughts: further empathising the character isn't with their head in the now, but is thinking about where he wants to go instead.

    The question to ask here also is: Why are you starting your story here? What is the simbolism, what theme do you want to write about? - what motifs work in displaying taht theme. There are lots of intersting things you can think about.
    It seems like this character wants to leave, so, maybe introduce a motif that simbolises that feeling of needing to go somewhere else, so, when you want to go back to that feeling, you can reintroduce that simbol, making your story feel more compleat.

    Akie. I'm going to stop myself here :p
    jacob5089 likes this.
  11. Update: added some more to chapter one and have started chapter two
  12. Finished Chapter One!