Look Closer Look Closer is a story I've begun writing recently. It's a retake on common legends such as Peter Pan, the Pied Piper, Atlantis, etc etc, with a bit of a twist. Hope you all like it! Chapters:1234
Look Closer1: Lost Girl The moon was bright that night. It was large and round, hanging low in the sky on the cool, summer night. A large, gleaming silver dollar in the midst of inky blackness of the sky, it lit the rocky, gravel pathway Janett was walking on. Every pebble glittered in the bright moonlight, and she kept throwing looks over her shoulders, convinced someone else was watching. Yet, every time she passed a look behind her she saw nobody. Just the sprawling gravel road and unending landscape of hills behind her. It was cold out, probably too cold to be taking an evening stroll. She pulled her furred, gray coat tighter over her and took a deep breath. The air was cold and dry against her throat. Her skin had paled significantly from the cold. But none of that would make her turn back, oh, no. Anything, even freezing to death, had to be better than what fate awaited her if she turned back now. Janett was a long ways away from home. Behind her, back down the sprawling gravel path, past more treelines and more hills and more empty land, a small city lay in practically the middle of nowhere. The remote, small city known as Liesburg, and home to the rest of Janett’s family. Her father, a portly man with a consistently scarlet complexion, as if life itself caused him to exert himself, would have quite possibly locked her in her room until she grew old enough to marry. Her mother, a fair-haired woman with chubby features and downturned, sad eyes would likely have wept and wept, a blubbering heap, before proceeding to slap Janett and punish her for her insolence. They had grown too much for her. Between her parent’s overwhelming insistence that she place top grade in her classes, and her siblings that practically tormented her, Janett had been unable to take it anymore. She was juggling stress beyond the capabilities of most ten-year-olds, and her acting out showed it. The gravel crunched below her feet as she continued to march onward. She didn’t know where she was going, but she knew she wasn’t turning back. She paused to look at her gray jacket, to try and wrap it around her harder, only to hear the gravel continue to crunch underfoot. Except, it was not her feet causing the crunching. She jerked her head up, and saw a burly, muscular man slowly ambling towards her. She gave him a mistrustful glare. “Who are you?” she asked, stuffing her hands in the pockets of the furred jacket. He stopped his advances only when she addressed him, and cocked his head at her. He was dressed in a dark trenchcoat, with black, greasy hair falling in sporadic split ends over his forehead. His eyes were hardly visible despite the moonlight, making Janett think they had to have been exceptionally dark. His skin, however, was so white it was hard to look at in the night. He might as well have been glowing. “I said, ‘Who are you?’” Janett repeated, her tone very defensive. The man’s pale lips pulled back in a smile as he gave a small laugh. “I heard you,” he purred back to her in a voice as cold and crisp as the night air surrounding them. “My name isn’t important. Nor is my presence. What is important is, what’s a young girl like you doing wandering so late at night, and on your own? Surely your family must be worried sick.” His lips never fell from their smile, and Janett found herself eyeing the stranger’s teeth. From what she could see, they were oddly bright white, and… did they come to a point? Janett backed up suspiciously from the stranger, her muscles tense and her expression unreadable. “I doubt they are. What’s it matter to you? I don’t know you, you don’t know me. What do you care?” she spat the words at him and then began to walk at a hurried pace, intending to go around him. He, at first, merely watched her down his nose with a seemingly amused glint in his dark eyes. But as she breached his side, he threw out his right leg and kicked her legs out from under her. She squealed as she hit the gravel, and because she had had so little time to bring her hands up to protect her face, her head hit the gravel. Expecting her attacker to continue, she curled into a fetal position. She brought her arms over her head protectively, but the expected attack never came. She slowly brought her arms down from over her head and snuck a peek at the outside world. The trenchcoat man was throwing his arms around haphazardly, and thrusting his legs out as if he were trying to kick someone. Yet, there was nobody… or so she thought. The closer she looked, the more she picked up a thin, almost wispy figure that was attacking the man. It wasn’t solid. The figure was best described as an apparition, shadowy, dark, and impermanent. Every time the trenchcoat man struck it, the shadowy figure would dissipate like smoke and then reappear a few seconds later. Eventually, the trenchcoat man was knocked onto his back on the gravel road. His breath was heaving, and his dark eyes were wide and round as saucers. When the shadowy figure reappeared over him, straddling his waist, the trenchcoat man stretched his jaw open at an absurd length and Janett was able to see the abnormally white teeth up close that she had noticed earlier. They were all sharpened, every single one, to a painfully nonhuman point. The canines in his mouth were ludicrously long, with a point so fine and sharp it reminded her very much of a cat’s fangs. “Get lost, Pan!” the trenchcoat man snarled, snapping his jaws at the shadowy figure. “Stop picking on children, and I might!” This voice was different, coming from the other side of her. Janett slowly crept to her feet, and looked around in confusion. Where exactly was the source of the second voice? And then she saw it. A glint from the corner of her left eye caused her to look to the skies, and there she saw a leather-clad boy with auburn hair floating in the sky. He seemed to eerily glow, but then she realized that was because he had no shadows on his body. He landed beside her and marched up to the man in the trenchcoat. Janett watched in stunned silence as the glowing boy seemed to simply grab the shadowy figure that the trenchcoat man had been unable to fight off. The shadowy, misty figure struggled, kicking its metaphysical legs and arms in protest, but the glowing boy quickly subdued it. And as soon as he did, he appeared to stop glowing. The shadows returned to his skin and clothes, and he stomped over to the trenchcoat man. “Pan,” the trenchcoat man sneered, glowering at the auburn-haired boy, “you should really mind your own business.” “Unhappy children are my business,” Pan, whom Janett assumed was the auburn-haired boy’s name, “and you hurting any child is my business. Go!” Pan shouted, stomping his foot in agitation. The trenchcoat man chuckled darkly, and Janett blinked stupidly when he seemingly began to shrink before her eyes. His clothes deflated, eventually becoming nothing more than a flat lump of cloth on the gravel in the general shape of a man. Suddenly, a squeaky, black shape erupted from the neck of the coat. A bat fluttered overhead of Pan and Janett, and then flitted away into the sky. Janett watched it all in silence, absolutely stupefied. That’s when Pan snapped his fingers in front of her face. She yelped and jumped backward, and then promptly glared at him. “What’s going on?” Pan smirked at her. “Well, you were just about to be vampire food, and my name is Peter Pan. What’s yours, little lost girl?”
“I’m not little. Nor am I lost. I’m Janett.” She glowered at him and decisively pressed her hands into her jacket’s pocket, keeping a wide distance between her and Pan… Peter Pan? Like the bedtime story? “No, no,” Peter Pan laughed lightly, “Lost Girl. As in, the Lost Boys and Girls? Oh well, I suppose my reputation doesn’t precede me too much. Listen, it’s a long story… but, if you’re able to be touched and talked to by vampires now, then that means you now have access to the rest of the Moonworld. And if that’s the case, you now are under my protection. Welcome, Lost Girl Janett.” --------- lolcharacterlimit
I've been wanting to say this for a while, but there has been a lack of exceptional writing by authors I don't already have on the wall. Slvr you have been chosen to be another one of the 8 or so people who have made it on the wall of great writers of EMC for your first chapter of Look Closer.
I really love chapter 1! I love the story and the ideas, the mystery you've created. One thing I really don't get is why Janett is so willing to go to Neverland. Her motivation there is never really fully explained. I mean she doesn't know this Peter Pan. Granted he did maybe save her life, but he's just there. Was he following her? How did he react so fast? She and I have to assume there's some reason he wants to bring her with him, and he hasn't mentioned any. If I was Janett, I might be curious but I wouldn't be flying away without a lot more hesitation. There's a lot of opportunity to expand on this part. I definitely think she should reject him at first. And then something changes her mind. Maybe she walks a lot further. Maybe her family almost finds her. Maybe she gets lost and tired and hungry. I really think you need to expand this chapter, maybe even making it two chapters, and build that up a bit more. Put her in a desperate situation where going with Peter seems like the only reasonable way out, and still have her be skeptical. That's how you build incredible suspense. I always love reading short stories people write like this! I definitely think you should keep going.
I want to thank you, because honestly that was what I was originally going to do. And then, when I got the inspiration to write last night at 4am (that was my first mistake ) I, for whatever reason, decided that was unnecessary and it would be fine. But having reread it, and then reading this... yes, I see your point, and I'd like to do this with it. So I'll go ahead and reserve the second chapter's post, and remove the current version, and work on a renewed version in the upcoming days. Thanks for your input, azoundria!
Chapter 2Sons of the Moon “So you’re… you’re Peter Pan. Loses his shadow, leader of the Lost Children, straight-on-til’-morning, Peter Pan?” She shook her head and marched past him. “I don’t believe this. I don’t believe any of this.” “The fact that you see me says otherwise,” Peter cheekily sang as he practically pranced into view ahead of her. He was walking backwards, but his feet weren’t touching the ground at all. Only her footfalls could be heard against the gravel. “Miss, I think you’re in den-i-al.” “I know what denial is, and maybe I am in it. But considering I just got attacked by what is apparently a vampire, and you can… fly, and detach your own shadow, why should I trust you anyway? Peter Pan’s a bedtime story some guy wrote hundreds of years ago. There’s no way you and he are the same person. You’re probably some morph trying to trick me. Morphs are a thing, right?” she spat at him in an accusatory fashion, hurrying around him. “Leave me alone!” She casted a look over her shoulder to catch one last look at him, and saw he looked genuinely surprised. His head was tilted such that his auburn hair fell over his eyes slightly, but they glowed ominously through the strands of hair. He rushed after a few seconds to catch up with her. “Perhaps you still need a bit of understanding. There are three prerequisites in order to see the Moonworld. Since you’re seeing it, you meet them, clearly. The first is that you’re an unhappy child. The child part is the important part. An adult exceeds our help. Secondly, you’ve put your life in danger. Not intentionally, but you still have put your life in danger. It’s cold, you have no food, and do you even know where the nearest freshwater is? Thirdly, you want help. This sort of ties into the second one. You want help, it’s not your intention to endanger yourself, yet you are.” Peter planted his feet firmly in front of her, barring her from continuing her walk into oblivion. “What else? Are there genies that grant three wishes, too?” Janett stamped her foot. “There’s no way some fairy tale character is real!” She stomped past him, and ignored the words he shouted after her. “When you’re ready, I’ll find you again!” With that, she heard nothing more from Peter Pan. And for that, she was more than glad. She continued her trek for a while longer, stopping only when she found her feet to be hurting. She took refuge on the side of the trail, in a rather open spot in front of a large tree. She was still shaken up over earlier. The ‘vampire’ shouldn’t be around - after all, Peter’s shadow had sent it packing (if he even was Peter) - but she still worried. Even if he wasn’t Peter Pan, he had saved her before, perhaps he’d save her again… She sighed and looked around. What was she even doing? If she came into trouble again, and he saved her again, she decided, she’d give him a chance. She would listen to his words and believe his intentions to be pure. After all, if he saved her twice, it would at least be clear he didn’t want to harm her. She stood up, finished with her rest, and kept walking. The bushes rustled as she stood… and then the rustling didn’t stop, even after she was back on the gravel path (which was beginning to turn into a purely dirt path). She turned around and looked at the clumps of brush lining the overgrown path, and watched in disbelief as tall, quadruped figures seemed to ooze from the woods. The foremost of them all was a wolf almost as tall as she at the shoulder. Its body was thin and ragged, its fur matted and clumped across its head. The fur appeared a grungy, dark gray, but the finer and cleaner hairs around its muzzle and paws told Janett the wolf’s fur was black. Its underbelly was more fuzzy, and grayer than the rest of it. Other figures, all wolves, filled into the pathway. They were of various colors and fur patterns. Janett faltered, taking a step back. She had never seen a wolf in person before, much less one that was as tall as she was, if not, taller. The tall wolf dipped its head and padded closer to her, sniffing curiously about Janett’s neck. Janett’s breath hitched in her throat and he heart’s pounding grew more erratic by the second. She had no idea what to do. She was frozen to the spot. “You’re new to this realm, aren’t you?” the wolf said - said. - in a gravelly, growling voice. Janett thought perhaps it was female, due to the fact the voice sounded rather feminine, but she hesitated to make an assumption. It sat on its haunches and wrapped a long, thin tail around its legs. She could see the dark fur was long, but the wolf’s tail still appeared skinny. The wolf then raised a paw and pressed it to Janett’s left shoulder. “You’re very cold… hasn’t Peter found you yet?” The wolf appeared genuinely confused. Its angular ears were perked attentively, and its eyes narrowed in concentration. But Janett found it hard to concentrate, seeing as not only was she experiencing waves of terror at being surrounded by lithe, tall wolves, but the wolf speaking to her (that itself was also quite terrifying) was direly thin. Its unhealthy, coarse, matted fur formed merely a thin layer over its body. Its bones could be easily seen, such as its pointed hip bones and rigid spine. “Peter…? ...You could say he did,” Janett sputtered after a few moments. She darted her eyes around the gathered wolves, noting two smaller, brown wolves that flanked the one sitting in front of her. She slowly threw a look over her shoulder and gauged her escape routes. She could attempt to run, perhaps climb a tree… were these wolves able to climb trees? Deciding she’d find out, she whipped around and began to run. Sprinting as fast as she could, she eyed a particularly tall tree and made her way for it. Before she had even made it a quarter of the way towards the tree, however, a heavy object hit her back and she was flattened to the ground. Growling permeated around her ears, and she looked up just enough to see the various wolves pacing around her. The tallest one she had seen earlier soon appeared ahead of the rest, and with a snap of her teeth, the weight on Janett’s back was gone. “You shouldn’t do that,” the wolf growled through clenched fangs. Her lips were drawn back in a nasty snarl. “I could say the same to you,” came the familiar voice of the boy who proclaimed himself to be Peter Pan. Janett put her hands over her head and pushed her face back towards the dirt. Confused was the kindest way to put how she felt. She heard conversing, and the wolves growled and snapped their teeth. All Peter had to do to get them to disperse, however, was threaten them with a simple statement: “You can leave this girl alone, or I can set my shadow on you. Your choice.” Janett dared to look up and watched as the wolves sped away, kicking dust and gravel in their wake. They seemed to melt back into the trees as quickly and quietly as they came. With a bit of rustling, they were gone. She slowly rolled onto her back, and found Peter Pan looking down at her with his arms crossed.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you endangered yourself on purpose. Tell me that’s not the case,” Peter’s voice had lost its earlier charm and kindness. His gaze was hard and critical. “I’m disappointed. I’d have thought you to be smarter than to keep wandering like this.” He sighed and shook his head, a small smile pulling the corner of his mouth. “Would you like to keep wandering until something finally does claim you or would you mind trusting me for a moment?” “And what is it you want, exactly?” Janett snapped. “What?” “To take you to Neverland. A place where you can be safe, until you find a new home,” Peter explained, his golden eyes twinkling kindly. “A safe place. A safe haven, designed for children like you.” When he saw her expression remained unchanged, he continued. “If you don’t accept, Janett, it’s very likely you’ll violate one of the conditions. Remember the stuff I told you earlier? You have to fit three criteria? You’re on the verge of violating one.” “And what one is that?” Janett asked as she stood up, brushing the dirt and gravel that was caking to her jacket off. “If you intentionally endanger yourself again you’ll not be able to see me anymore. And there’s more in these woods than just magical creatures. They’re just the ones that are finding you the quickest. There’s hunger. Cold. Thirst. Much worse things than dire wolves and vampires, child.” Peter’s voice had fallen to a soft, sullen tone. He stepped close to her and squatted so he was close to her height. “Come with me, Lost Girl Janett. Please?”
