The House at the End of the Road.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Bunkerllama, Mar 8, 2014.

  1. Hey guys, my English teacher has been pushing me to try and write a novela, so I decided to start it. It's called "The House at the End of the Road." Honestly I want opinions so far! Please do NOT copy this and claim it as your own! Enjoy :)

    The House at the End of the Road

    Not long after my 17th birthday, my parents decided that I did not get out enough with friends. Truth be told, I didn’t have a lot of friends. Don’t get me wrong, I got along with pretty much everyone that I met, but I just didn’t enjoy meeting a lot of people to begin with. I was that kid that walked alone in the hallways, and not because I didn’t have friends, or I stank like garbage, but because I just enjoyed my own world more than what reality was telling me to face. I had my select friends of course, but none of which were available to hang out anyways. See, they all had girlfriends. Me on the other hand, I was single. My biggest problem in life was why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after ten in the morning. Who needs girls anyways? I had soccer, and soccer was my scapegoat. Soccer was where I went when the entire world didn’t seem to care what I was thinking at that moment. I’ve watched as old friends fell to the Hell that we call drugs. I’ve watched as friends have thrown out scholarships and college opportunities because they can’t put down the bottle. Me? I didn’t need alcohol, or drugs to get along in life. All I needed was soccer, and the girl at the end of the road.

    I met Sara in the first grade. At that time I was pretty sure it was love at first sight. She had the best crayons, the nicest folder, and she knew how to spell words that I couldn’t even pronounce correctly. At recess I admired how she swung so gracefully on the monkey bars, and when she talked to me all I could do was laugh uncontrollably. That was eleven years ago. Sara and I are still great friends. She’s the one I go to when I have troubles (which isn’t often at all). But, most of the time I’m the one she’s coming to when her relationships don’t go as planned. I will never forget the day August 16, 2013, and I’ll tell you why. Sara had been dating her boyfriend Lucas for about four months. They were considered the one of the cutest couples that the school has ever seen. I envied Lucas with every bone in my body. He had stolen the girl with the beautiful crayons from me. Anyways, she called me. “Ryan, I can’t do this anymore. I try so hard to be the girlfriend he wants but he’s constantly flirting with other girls and I didn’t know what to do so I confronted him about it and he broke up with me!” she was bawling. Thank the Lord Lucas got smart enough to let me have her back. But I couldn’t say that. So I replied, “Sara calm down, you know if that’s how it is then he’s obviously not the guy for you. It’s that simple.” Then this is where I start to remember this the most. “Ryan, honestly you’re the greatest guy. I think I’ll be okay, but for now I have to go, mom is calling me to go get… well mom is taking me to the doctor.” What doctor? She was in no way sick today at school. “Sara what d--doctor?” I stuttered back. “Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” She replied in one of those soft girly voices where you knew that something was wrong but they weren’t going to tell you anyways. “Alright Sara, I’ll talk to you later.” I replied and hung the phone up.
    Now I was curious. I decided to dial up her best friend Lindsay. Lindsay had no idea either. I decided to drive by her house, seeing if her dad had decided to stay home. Her dad was a rather large, intimidating man with huge biceps and the muscular legs that could probably crush I steel bar easily. Rumor was that he was a Navy S.E.A.L. at one point, but nobody knew if that was true. He had stayed home, so I went and knocked on the door. He answered in sweats and a t-shirt that said ‘Got Milk’. “Oh hey Ryan, what’s up? Sara just left with her mom. I can tell her you stopped by if you’d like?” he said. “Oh no Mr. Garner, I just had a question I needed to ask you” I said nervously back. I was always afraid he was going to crush me, he never has touched me, but it’s a threatening situation when you come face to face with Mr. Garner. “Oh sure bud, come in and take a seat. Want some pop or something?” he said in that burly voice that scares me. “Oh no, thank you.” I may or may not have just tried to muster the same voice that he did. “Okay so what’s going on buddy?” he asked. “Well, Sara said she had to go to the doctor, and she didn’t look very sick at school and she said she not to worry about it. But I know Sara and she does not get sick often. So I was just wondering if she’s alright.” I muttered. “She hasn’t told you?” he said acting surprised. That’s when my heart jumped out of my chest and probably hit the International Space Station. “No, she has not told me anything.” I said back with all the breath I had left. “Bud, I mean I don’t know how to break this to you. But Sara has cancer.” I’m pretty sure he started crying after that, but I wasn’t sure because my entire world just came crashing down in about half a second. I’m not sure if the world decided to spin faster, but the entire room started spinning. The ceiling was more like a vortex, and that's when I came back to my senses, and realized big Mr. Garner was crying like a baby.

    FDNY21, Kephras, WarriorNerd and 2 others like this.
  2. I said why not until I opened up the spoiler. I bet it is a good story. I will claim it as my own and show my english teacher now.
  3. :mad: :p
    SkyDragonv8 likes this.
  4. Just some input, may or may not be useful. :p
    Onions are, in personal opinion, not that stinky. They make you cry, sure, but saying they're stinky is like saying when you blow a bubble when chewing on bubble-gum, it turns out to be a cube or something.

    I dunno, it doesn't seem as if "and that was pretty much my biggest bother" is neccessary.
    I don't think 'totally' is needed...
    mmm, are you sure you should make your character seem a little stalkerish? :p
    Whilst it's obvious your character cares about Sara quite a bit, should he be stuttering at this moment of time? (Also, I think the words are kinda jumbled up...
    Like I just said, in this moment of time, is the situation large enough for him to be losing courage?
    Like I just just said, it seems kinda odd how your character just suddenly passed out...
  5. Good points, what I needed actuall :)
  6. The updated version should now be up :)
  7. What's with the text color?
  8. hmm.. ill fix that..
    *EDIT* Fixed ;)
    NetherWorld666 likes this.
  9. I like. Am I allowed to critique?
  10. please do
  11. Awesome story. It's just with how your dialogue comes out as choppy in a way. Just a little bit smoother how you go to talking parts. It still is an amazing piece! :D
  12. I like and dislike it.
    I like it of how it is going, but it could be better detailed on character looks to create a picture for readers.
    And better organized for dialogue. :3
    Other than that, it's pretty good. :p
  13. I skimmed through it but read the last paragraph and got all emotional :,((((((((((
  14. Are you guys talking about how it's crammed in the paragraph, like as it needs a paragraph for itself? Or the transition between dialogue?
  15. The transition between dialogue.
  16. I will be working on that!
    WarriorNerd likes this.