[ShellVent] EMC safety inspectors; nuuuu!

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by ShelLuser, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. This is just a stupid story I came up with, featuring my latest project. I'm just being silly here, obviously ;)

    Aaah, finally. I did it. It took me most of the night, not a very healthy thing to do if you keep this up on a daily basis, but my vault build is complete! Even better: I already transferred most of my friends valuables into the vault so even if he does go derelict, which I am afraid off, then he'll still be able to come back and start over. Because his stuff is safe & secure.

    I go over the whole thing one final time; click the button and after the familiar sounds of moving pistons sound the doors spring open for me. I step into the "vault lock" and onto the pressure plate which opens the iron piston doors. Once inside I look around with a very satisfying feeling. My friend may need to leave the Empire, but part of him will still remain. Has a nice thought to it I think...

    "Excuse me sir, Mr.... Luser?", a strange voice suddenly says in residence chat. What the.... I quickly turn around and see someone with a suit-like skin inside my vault! How the heck did he get in? I quickly press tab but.. no, his name is white and not green. "How did you...", I start: "Got in you wonder? Simple, I am with the E.M.S.I. and here to inspect your building for safety regulations", the guy responds.

    "EMS, what?". The man looks at me with a seemingly annoyed look: "The Empire Minecraft Safety Inspection", he answers short: "Do you have a vault voucher to validate all this?" , he asks.

    "A vault voucher? What are you talking about, I don't need a vault voucher for this. All that does is expand my /vault and I already got 6 pages, no need for more", I answer him; almost ready to look the item up on the wiki. "And that's where you are wrong sir", the guy responds: "by building a vault -like structure such as yours which is apparently intended to compete with our patented /vault system you will need to proof that this is all legit and not some scheme to swindle players out of their valuables".

    "What, swindle?!", I sigh while slowly getting a little annoyed with this guy: "It's not as if they pay me. All I'm doing is keeping my friends items safe. So?". "So? So you need to proof that his items are actually safe. Otherwise we'll have to confiscate the items and request that you remove this entire building.".

    Oh wait.. I get it.. Someone is obviously running a joke on me. Ok, if that's the way they want to play it. Beware; ShelLuser isn't easily fooled!

    I briefly show the player my vault system, how to get in, how the redstone mechanics work and when we're inside the vault again I also show him that it's already in use at the moment.

    "Interesting, interesting. So how do we get out?", the guy asks. "Well, you teleport of course. We're in town remember? I suggest using /home, but you can just as well use /town or /v random I suppose".

    The man looks at me with a smile on his face: "No, that won't do at all sir. What would happen in case of an emergency? A fire could break out or a creeper could walk in and then your visitors will need an emergency exit. I'm sorry, but I need to insist. Either you add an exit to your vault or we will have to send in the Senior Staff (Re)moval Company to move your build into /dev/null" (editorial note: the "garbage can" of Unix ;)).

    I'm looking at this guy with a funny look on my face. Yeah, I'm sooo going to believe this; EMC forcing me to alter my builds because I don't have a vault voucher?

    "Ok sir, I see that I will have to add an exit myself then", the guy says while snapping his fingers. All of a sudden my obsidian entrance is completely gone! "WHAT?!", I shout. "Don't tell me I didn't warn you Mr. Luser", the guy says. "That's Shell, thank you very much", I snap at him: "Ok, fine, I get it: I'll add an exit". "Thank you, I shall come back in 5 minutes to look at the results".

    Hmm, how to make an exit without compromising the security of my vault? Oh I know!

    A simple teleport sign and a button which everyone can press. Easy does it! And just after I tested my new RTS sign (Residence Teleportation System) I see the weird fellow appear. "Ah yes, nice, but I'm afraid this won't do at all. Not without a vault voucher that is". Say what?!

    "According to regulation 642, paragraph 6, item 5: in case of an emergency a player should be able to retreat to another server while the consistency of his vault shall remain intact". I look at the guy: "Yes, so what?". "So how are players going to teleport to another server from here?". "Using /smp# I guess?", I answer.

    "Noo, that won't do at all. I'm sorry sir, but I will have to insist that you allow players to retreat to other servers. Add a teleportation room of some sort. I'll come back to check up on your progress in half an hour", and before I can say anything the guy disappears again.

    A teleportation room? Seriously?! What kind of a sick joke is this?

    But ok, I get it. I'll add a teleportation room. With my trusty voters shovel I should have something dug out in no time. I quickly dig out a few teleport areas which allow people to teleport to smp4, smp5 and smp8. There, all done.

    "Nice, great work", a familiar voice sounds behind me: "However, I'm sorry sir but this still won't do at all. Dirt? What kind of a vault uses dirt? That doesn't look safe! I will have to insist that you use a stronger, more robust, block. I'll come back to check up on your progress soon enough.", and before I can mention anything about permission flags he's gone again.

    Ok, this is getting out of control. Though... I have to admit, in all fairness, from a roleplay perspective the guy does have a point. A vault made of dirt is obviously not really safe at all. But luckily enough I won an auction for a DC of iron ingots not too long ago. And iron should make a nice wall. And the floor... Well.. Obsidian!

    "Nice, great work", it sounds behind me: "However this still won't do at all. The Empire has 10 servers, not 3. You're discriminating the other servers and that is against the rules.". "But..", but before I can finish my sentence the guy is gone again.

    You have got to be kidding me....

    But, oh well. I've come this far so I might as well finish it...

    Only seconds after I'm done the strange guy appears again and I have to say that this is starting to become a little creepy. "Excellent work, that looks much better", he begins: "But unfortunately it won't do at all. How are people going to find the right portal? I have to insist that you follow the Empire Assist guidelines and color the teleport sections accordingly. I'll come back to check when you're done", and he disappears again before I can even start typing.

    Oh ok... I quickly visit some of my friends shops on SMP2 and buy myself wool in several different colors, as well as some gold blocks for the Utopia portal. Might as well do it right I guess.

    Not much later everything is in place and, well, although I have to admit getting a little annoying with that creepy character he is right about one thing: this looks a lot more professional than it did before, and that's also worth something.

    "Ah, nice work. But unfortunately...", "This won't do at all?", I ask him. "No, regulation 713, paragraph 24, item 10: all portals need both a color formatted section as well as a written sign so that players who suffer from color blindness can also find their way out.". "what?!". "I'll come back when you're done", and before I can even ask if this joke hasn't gone on long enough he's gone again.

    Color blind players? For real? In my vault?!

    I sigh... Oh well, I've come this far. Might as well finish up on it. I teleport to my storage and grab a bunch of signs, check /colors for the right control codes and get to work. Not long after that I'm done and, well, I have to admit; it does look kind of cool.

    And for sure, before I can even press tab the guy appears again: "Excellent work sir, but unfortunately...". "Now what?!", I ask while I'm slowly starting to get a little annoyed with all this. "How are the players supposed to exit the teleport room?". "Well, obviously not using one of these 10 teleports I made?", I answer sarcastically. "Correct! What if there are lag spikes which might prevent teleporting? No sir, you will have to add an emergency exit.", and for sure: he's gone again.

    I'm really starting to get agitated. How long is this going to continue? But, ok, fine, I'll add an exit. A simple button which can be used to teleport out of the room and back into the vault.

    "Excellent, excellent", it sounds behind me after I finish placing the teleport sign: "But unfortunately this won't do at all. What if players got stuck in the obsidian doorway? I'll be back to check the results", and he teleports away again.

    I'm getting sleepy, but.. Ok, one more teleport sign....

  2. PART II

    "Excellent, excellent", it sounds: "unfortunately I will have to insist that you rebuild the entire entrance room. That doesn't look like the Empire assistant at all. No, I insist that you add 2 swords, 2 pick axes, a diamond, an emerald, a bed, a painting, a chest, some golden horse armor, a noteblock, a nether star AND an eye of ender".

    "That's it!", I yell: "This has gone on far enough. I have had it with this idiocy. Take your crappy comments and get the hell out of here", I say while pointing to the exit teleport.

    "No, that won't do at all", the guy answers: "This is a family friendly server as you know and therefor I need to insist that you install a spam filter, I will come back once...", but this time I'm prepared and interrupt him right in the middle of his sentence: "Here's what I think of your spam filter", I say while I'm busy getting him off my residence: /res pset emsi move false, lets see how he likes that!

    wheee, wheeee, wheeee, wheeee..... it almost sounds like a siren. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that won't do at all", the guy says: "According to regulation 1,458,274, paragraph 6, item 1024 you cannot let your alarm clock ring while trying to remove an EMC official from your residence. I'll come back later when...".


    Suddenly I wake up, that sounds like my alarm clock. For real! But I'm still behind my computer.. Oh, what? Ha, kicked for being idle on the server? I quickly get out of my chair to stop the alarm clock from ringing and also walk past the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

    What a strange dream that was.... Once my coffee is done I go back to my computer, log back onto the Empire and... What do you know; my vault actually has a teleportation room. And exit teleports. And colored portals, with written signs above them.

    No Peter, I say to myself: that won't do at all. Next time I really need to get to bed instead of doing an allnighter again, even if it is tempting to finish my redstone contraption :)

    And with that I wish you all pleasant dreams!
    Gawadrolt, Kephras, Qwerty189 and 4 others like this.
  3. Nice! A new essay :p

    Looks cool, I will read in bit.

    Hope you know i'm joking about the whole 'essay' thing :)
    ShelLuser likes this.
  4. that was great lol.
    ShelLuser likes this.
  5. Can definitely see why EMC put you on the contribution team.
    ShelLuser likes this.
  6. I am tempted to rename an alt EMSI now... ;)
    Gawadrolt and ShelLuser like this.
  7. Very interesting story, you really are an excellent writer.
    ShelLuser likes this.
  8. Amazing.
    ShelLuser likes this.
  9. That was very nice story writing. Although, I have one question:

    What was this inspired by? Couldn'tve just come out of the blue like that, could it?

    Otherwise; really awesome story that I very much enjoyed reading. Interesting. ;)
    ShelLuser likes this.
  10. Thanks you guys for all the compliments, I really appreciate it!

    Indeed. And I'd hurry if I were you because I shall release a test tomorrow, we'll see who has the last laugh then ;)

    Of course, but obviously I'm not joking about the test. Oh wait, I am :D

    Nah, it's fine, really. And hey; its also true. More than often I have to restrain myself when answering certain posts because I tend to add a lot of (sometimes unnecessary) details. Or I answer in 5 lines which I could have shortened, like now :)

    This may surprise you guys but I never had any issues with writing up essays at school :)

    Thanks, I have my good moments :)

    I have to admit; I was a bit unsure about hitting the post size limit (again), but then figured that 2 posts probably wouldn't be too much of a problem. If people actually read into this they'd already gotten a long way so one more part should be doable.

    Guess I was right ;)

    Yes, and no (my favorite answer).

    I mentioned it a few times already, I'll stop doing that, but the part about my friend leaving is true so is the part about me getting a little upset / disappointed with it and then building through most of the night to finish that vault section. To keep things "totally secure" (obviously there's some roleplay involved), but also for my own comfort because well... I really didn't like the idea of just taking that guys stuff.

    So when he came back for a quick moment I was pleasantly surprised that he actually liked what I had done. Even better: he also asked if he could get some more chests (no problem at all) and then he reorganized his entire stuff himself even adding & removing stuff. Its one thing that people tell you they like what you build, but having them actually use it is something else.

    That got me into the mood to do a little write up before getting some sleep.

    So inspiration.. Easy; most of my friends who I showed this build to commented on the details that went into it. So having it automatically locked again, being able to get out without commands, having all those server teleports included (the smp2 teleport takes you /home by the way) and so on. At one time someone joked that "its almost as if you followed vault regulations".

    And that combination eventually resulted in this :)
  11. cool but point less
    ShelLuser likes this.
  12. Most stuff humans do is pointless. What's important is to find meaning in these seemingly nonsense things.
    Gawadrolt and ShelLuser like this.
  13. this is also point less

    ShelLuser likes this.
  14. No sir, I'm afraid that ending won't do at all. "It was all a dream - or was it?" is too Twilight Zone cliche. Per EMC Writer's Regulations 1.55.72, you'll need a more original ending...
    Great story, Shell. Very fun read ^_^
    ShelLuser likes this.
  15. Have mercy! I will do better next time! :)

    Oh, cool! So this means I don't have to pay the fine? ;)