Just for fun share you Jokes, keep them clean :D

Discussion in 'General Minecraft Discussion' started by Silken_thread, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. A duck walks into a store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says, “NO we don’t sell grapes!” So, the duck leaves the store. The next day the duck goes back to the same store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager is furious now and says, “NO, WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK IF WE SELL GRAPES AGAIN, I’LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR!” The next day the duck goes back to the same store and says to the manger, “Excuse me, do you sell nails at the store?” The manager says, “No, we don’t sell nails.” The duck replies, “That’s good. Do you sell grapes?”
  2. An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

    After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

    Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

    And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

    After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

    Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

    When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”

    After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
  3. There is a preacher, a pilot, a boyscout, and a computer programer are on a plane. The pilot discovers the plane's engine's have failed, and was going to crash.

    he told everyone, and they all rushed to the parachutes, but there were only 3. The pilot grabbed one and said, "i have to report this crash so i have to live", and he jumped out of the plane.

    The programmer grabbed another one and said, "I'm smart so i have to live!" and he jumped out of the plane. The preacher and boyscout were left.

    The preacher put his hand on the scout's shoulder and said, "Son, you take the last one. I've lived my life, and i'm ready to go home to heaven.

    The boyscout responds, "Sir, we can both jump. The so called smart one took my backpack."
    Gap542, catwarrior7, mba2012 and 4 others like this.
  4. Too bad faithcaster would have banned him from the tomato shop.
  5. There is an argentinian, a british and a french in a plane. The british says i know we r in england cuz I can touch the big ben with my hand. The french says I know we are in france cuz i can touch Eiffel tower with my hand.
    The argentinian says: i know i am in argentina.
    The other 2 say: "why?" And the argentinian says: they stole my watch!
    technologygeek and Jeanzl2000 like this.
  6. Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    The Docter
    Docter Who?
    Nope just The Docter.
    A man goes a Waffle House and tries to order a pancake. A manager shouts "BLASPHEMY!" and gives the guy some waffles. The man calls the better service bureau. A huge case breaks out because of this. The case is heard about all across the world and the case goes to the UN Court. There is tons of arguing and the world is close to nuclear war. A World War 3 is about to break out until a man from Belgium shouts out "Why the Derp would you order pancakes at Waffle House?!". Then the man who ordered the pancake got arrested. He never got his pancake.
  7. This guy came up to me, looking excited. When he got to me he frowned and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else"
    I said "I am"
  8. So theres this Orange named Russ. He goes to school and one day during class he gets up and looks out the window.

    The teacher says

    "Sit Russ"
    catwarrior7 and Silken_thread like this.
  9. ... What?
    A duck walks up to a corner store.... TBC
  10. Say Sit Russ, and then say Citrus.
  11. In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

    To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

    "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

    "Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

    The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
    Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?
    A: Dam

    You wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
    You wanna hear a clean one? He took a bath!
    catwarrior7, mba2012, jtc0999 and 2 others like this.
  12. More tomato jokes? Heck yeah! (Warning some are very corny)

    What did the macaroni say to the tomato?
    Don’t get saucy with me.

    What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?
    “You better catch up!”

    Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
    Because he couldn't find a date!

    How do you fix a broken tomato?
    Tomato paste!

    Why did Mrs. Tomato turn red?
    She saw Mr. Green Pea!

    Why Did The Tomato Blush?
    Because he saw the salad dressing

    Why is a tomato round and red?
    Because if it was long and green it would be a cucumber!

    How can you tell if your tomatoes are drinking alcohol behind your back?
    They’re Tomato Sauced.

    But what if they really, really have been drinking from the vine?
    They are just Stewed Tomatoes then.

    What kind of tomato do you take with you to win big in Las Vegas?
    Diced Tomatoes.

    How do you get rid of unproductive tomatoes?
    I can 'em.

    More later!
    catwarrior7 and mba2012 like this.
  13. An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,

    'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce;

    35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'

    'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

    'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

    'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

    so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

    She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man,

    'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

    I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

    Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

    'Okay', he says, 'It's all set.

    They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'
  14. A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,''I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. He replied,''Oregon State Troopers don't have balls.''

    There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

  15. A potato walks into a party, and says to the DJ:

  16. Me: Breathes:
    Mom: Dont Use That Tone With ME!
  17. LOL
    Me: Great Answer Mom You Should Be A Dang Lawyer
  19. Two mountain climbers have successfully climbed Mt. Everest. The first one turns to the other and says,
    "This is the proudest moment of my life. It almost cost us our lives to climb this mountain, but we finally made it. Please, hand me our country's flag."
    The other one stares in bewidermant at the first mountain climber and says,
    "I thought you had brought it!"