[EVENT] -Make me laugh for a chance to win a few Steam Keys along with the chance other stuffs

An old man and his ever nagging wife took a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband; "you can pay 200 dollars to have her buried here in the holy land, or pay 2000 dollars to have her shipped back home."

The husband thought for a second and said; "I'll pay the 2000 to ship her back home." The undertaker was confused.

"Why would you pay so much more money to ship her home, when you could just bury her here?" The husband, with the most serious of faces, looked at the undertaker and said;

"A man once rose from the dead 3 days after his death, I just can't take that chance."

My dad has the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I read the whole thing

A morning bump

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

Why is such a big portion of the jokes so crude? D:

Is this better?

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good", he answered.

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."

First, the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

Well, maybe those were a little bit crude too. I am not sure I have ever heard one that is 100% pure. That's where some of the fun comes from.

I honestly don't know why I did :I

This isn't funny :I EAT THE BIRD PLUSH THING!!!!!

Thank you, I love the second one! I'd never seen it before too!

I've tried that, but it doesn't fit and I start choking really quickly.

You've tried to eat yourself? Redbull?

No, tried to eat Piwi. (my avatar)

But Piwi is you. *Dramatic Music*

So this is a 100% true story that happened to me a couple weeks ago. My friend, who I'm just gonna start off by saying, is not the smartest individual around, was with me while I was walking around downtown. WE did this quite often and knew the area pretty well. One day we were walking through one of our favorite shortcuts, and alley near the main road in the area. While we were walking through it, a cat came out from behind the dumpster and came up to us, rubbing up against our legs as cats do. I picked it up, looking for a collar. Sure enough, I found one, but all it had on it was a tag that said "Love". My friend, being his idiotic self said, "We should name it something hilarious, like Idiot!" I, being 500% done with him, agreed just to get him to shut up. So we put the cat down, promising to return the next day. WE continued seeing the cat over the next couple weeks, and we became rather attached to it. One day however, while we playing with the cat, a dirty man in ragged clothes came hobbling around the corner, looked at us, and yelled, "You found my cat!" My friend (again, not the brightest guy I know) said, "No, Idiot belongs to US." The man got a look of pure rage on his face and screamed, "You named my cat Idiot?!" He then pulled a gun on us, and shot me right in the torso. As I'm laying there on the ground next to my friend, bleeding out, I yell to him:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME, YOU GAVE LOVE A BAD NAME

I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that.

Did it heal already?

No, I'm still lying on the ground in that alley.

So, the other day, I walked up to a street crossing, standing there was a mother with her son. The son was pushing the button for the crossing lights, and the mother says to him, 'Pushing it more than one time does not make it go faster.' The boy stops pressing the button and looks at the ground for a second, then he turns to me. I just look at him, nod and say, 'It does.' The boy goes back to pressing the button, and the mother turns to me. I will never forget the look on the mothers face.

Sounds like something I'd do.

Bumpy

What's a bear without any ears?