As-of-yet-unnamed story

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by AliceTheFox, Nov 7, 2014.

  1. Hai Empire!
    I think this is actually the first thing to do with writing I've ever posted, which is interesting :p
    Basically, I've been writing a story for my English coursework at school. I never thought of myself as a writier, but I'm pretty proud of it and I'm looking for some opinions!
    It's not at all done yet, but I'll probably just update it as I add more onto it

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    The lights shot on like a lightning strike, allowing the full glory of the stadium to be in view. A man stood in the centre, his arms spread extravagantly, beaming at the voiceless, non-existent audience. He suddenly locked his pitch black eyes on me, his face mostly expressionless. I studied his features, he looked like a traditional cowboy, complete with a Stetson hat. The entirety of his costume seemed to be black, lined with golden stitching. The authentic hat was tilted in such a way that shadows were cast over and around him, making him almost part of the actual building. Without any warning, he cut off my thoughts with a sudden remark “Step right up, step right up!” he glared at me, silently inviting me forward “4 doors, 4 chances” he stood to the side, revealing the doors in question, they were all beautifully decorated with varying patterns, like cakes lined up in a bakery.

    At least, that’s how I remember it.

    It had only been a few hours, maybe even a few minutes since I chose a door, which the strange man confidently assured me was a dashingly good choice. I don’t know what his definition of a ‘dashingly good choice’ is, but wherever this place was, it definitely doesn’t fit into what I’d ever call even a moderately ‘good choice’. My train of thought was derailed by a shattering scream. It sounded almost human, but it had a strange feral sound tinting it. Nervously, I looked around for the owner of the noise.
    There was nothing.
    Nothing around me but seemingly dead trees and crumbling wildlife, like a rotting graveyard. The desolate environment made the silence echo more than ever, making the sensation of someone watching me grow more violently than usual. I took a step forward, waiting for the shadows to reveal themselves. I was instantly shocked by my own obliviousness as I tripped over a large discarded oak log. It wasn’t at all the shock I was expecting, at least until I looked at the log in more detail. It was moving. It was alive. Not alive like all plants are, but actually living and breathing. The log got up on all fours, the branches becoming legs. One certain larger mossy branch becoming a tail. The browns and blacks of the artistic log patterns becoming different shades of a being’s fur.

    It took me a tense moment to realise the log had morphed into a 13 foot wolf. However, despite its size, the carnivore’s eyes were strangely human, but its instincts still seemed razor sharp. It was staring at me, as if trying to decide which way would finish me off quicker. Teeth or claws. Both of which, in my opinion, sounded as painful as the other.

    I don’t know what happened, but everything was black. It was like walking into a stranger’s house late at night, dark and unfamiliar. The unwelcome memory of the wolf giant hit me like a tonne of bricks. I shot up with a gasp, happy for a split second that I had got away. The joy drained out of me like a melting snowman, like the hard work of a child gone and never coming back. Darkness was all I could see. It was strangling. I could hear distant shattering howls, cries full of pain. The whole atmosphere of this place was torturous. As my grass-green eyes adjusted to the atmosphere, I hastily studied my surroundings. A sturdy looking wooden room with an even sturdier pair of what could only be called medieval gates as an exit. I stumbled towards the gates and grabbed the cold oak bars, shaking them furiously in a futile attempt to break them. I heard an annoyed growl echo behind me. Whipping around, I saw a man, quite young, glaring at me “Somebody’s eager to get killed…” he grunted at me, suddenly disinterested in my antics “Whatever, at least you might make a good show”

    I stared at him, baffled by his casual talk of life and death “Wh- What?” I stammered in his general direction “A good show?” I rubbed my head, convinced this must all be a foul nightmare. “You truly have befallen a horrible fate haven’t you kid?” he sighed, changing his tone of voice “Do you have any idea where you are?” he questioned me, however I didn’t get chance to reply before he continued “You’ve found your unlucky soul in the Reaper Stadium. A fitting name…” he sat down on the before unnoticeable boxes in the corner, his voice trailing off. I resumed my baffled staring, even more confused than before “Why am I here? Why are you here? What’s going on?” The questions tumbled out of me like an over flowing bath. This time, it was the man’s turn to be concerned. He hesitated before saying in a hushed voice “You really do have no idea, do you?”

    The roar of the stadium audience was unbelievable as Joel was thrown into the centre. It looked exactly like he described it. A coliseum, made for fighting.

    My mind raced back to the moments before “Kid, this is it. This is really happening. Don’t try to brush it off” he told me, locking his eyes onto mine “You’re going to either die or wish you were dead when those gates open. Every year, the biggest outlaws get fished out from their hideouts and get thrown in here. Like me and you now” he turned dangerously serious “Flushed out to be killed, so we can’t be free anymore” suddenly, he stopped, his expression growing gentler “It runs like this,” he repositioned himself on the boxes, running his thick fingers through his hair.

    “Joel, family name unknown” an intimidating voice cut off my recollection “captured for crimes such as murder, treason and disrespecting the high ranks” Joel looked disinterested, as if he had heard it a million times “Is anybody willing to step up and take this criminal’s punishment!?” the announcer shouted, at me and the beings behind me, whom I’d only just noticed. I stared at the beings, some were human and some were wolves. But both seemed to have characteristics of each other. “Nobody?” the voice blared again
    “No!” I heard my own voice as if it was somebody else’s “I’ll take his punishment” I stepped up defiantly, as if an unseen force was urging me forward, the stadium roaring my name like a pride of lions. “Please step forwar-“ the announcer was cut off as a tall man dressed like a cowboy forcefully threw him down, the audience suddenly falling into silence. “The first time in 57 years someone has volunteered” he circled me like a lion “Good choice” he grinned. I felt a sharp pain at the back of my head as I fell to the floor.

    Lights shot on as I struggled onto my feet and opened my eyes, unsure of what I would be faced with. A man stared at me, everything about him haunting me “Step right up, step right up” his eyes scanned me, taking in my shocked expression as I studied the 3 doors laid in front of me, decorated like cakes in a bakery “3 doors, 3 chances…” I mumbled to myself.

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    Finally finished! I'm really proud of it, the ending paragraph mostly :p Maybe I should write more? Meh, maybe :p
    If you see any mistakes please tell me!

    So yeah! I hope you enjoyed the story so far :p At the start, I was basing it off of Alice in Wonderland, with the doors and magical worlds and such. But I don't think it's much like that any more, it's just gotten progressively more...horrible :3

    Feedback needed!
    Palmsugar and 607 like this.
  2. Looks... interesting. I definitely got an Alice in Wonderland vibe off of it at first, then it became quite interesting. I'll keep an eye out for more pieces :)
    AliceF3 likes this.
  3. One thing, "A man was stood in the centre" Was the man placed in the center after the lights came on, or was he there when the lights came on. While reading the story the "was" should be removed in my opinion. But it could just be the way I'm reading it.
    A well written piece, that draws you in. Keep it up and I'll be looking for more.
    AliceF3 and 607 like this.
  4. Wow, that's great!
    Because I've never seen you write pieces of such length before, it was definitely better than I had expected. I should have expected more of you though, because you also write beautifully in the GalliaRPG.
    But seriously, really good, I absolutely enjoyed it!
    Oh, and you don't mind if I use that cute gif in my signature, right? :3
  5. Thanks, I'll change that now. It does sound a bit off now you mention it

    Thanks :p And I don't mind, it is super adorable haha
  6. Bump

    Updated and finished! Yaaay!
    607 likes this.
  7. Hm. Very interesting.
    Could you explain the thoughts behind it?
  8. It's for my English Assesment in school, the topic was Journeys. The teacher was explaining some ideas, one of which being the Alice in Wonderland one. I've been playing a lot of League of Legends, so I was thinking about Twisted Fate, which is where the whole cowboy ideas came from. I've been reading a book about werewolves as such, which inspired the wolf idea. But honestly, I don't know where the other bits came from. It's like when Im drawing, when I get started I'll just keep going
    607 likes this.
  9. Why did the 4 doors turn into 3 doors? I think I am not quite following this story xD
  10. Pretty good, I have to write about Robin Hood for my homework
    607 likes this.
  11. She had already been through one, so it was one less to go through. I wasn't quite sure how to explain it
    But I might change it to 4, now you mention it
    607 likes this.
  12. I really liked the atmosphere you portrayed with your vocabulary, a wonderful balance of description and mystery in my opinion. A lovely story overall, thanks for sharing!
    607 and AliceF3 like this.