What do u think of: Targets 9

Discussion in 'Writers' Corner' started by TomRaines, Sep 9, 2016.


Is this book any good so far?

Yes ! 3 vote(s) 42.9%
no ! 0 vote(s) 0.0%
O my goodness this is unedible! 0 vote(s) 0.0%
o my gosh this is so great! 0 vote(s) 0.0%
i didnt read it -admiting with shame- 5 vote(s) 71.4%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Ok so just read this tell me how to make it better:

    “Go Now to the fortress and tell them that a company is approaching!” The words came from the commander of the scout party and were directed at Jacob.

    The Fortress was really just a simple wall encircling a town that had a few simple towers and a small gate. The fortress had been Jacobs home his entire life though the walls had just been added just four years ago. When Jacob was 13 his village requested the permission to build a mine, when refused his village simply built one anyway. In a matter of mouths the mine was discovered by the ruling council in Aequestis. When the council learned of this they ordered that all iron that was found would be given to the city of Aequestis, the people of Garadain refused and created a wall of earth around themselves to defend themselves. As time passed the battlements and weapons got better on both sides even though recently there was a murmur of weapons of fire and magic on the enemy’s side.

    Last year Jacob turned sixteen and when You turned sixteen you joined the army whether you liked it or not. At first Jacob had been a simple message boy and worked in the mine but as men became scarce he was called to be a warrior, quickly after that he was made a scout, spy and assassin.

    As He ran the mile back to the city, they were so close because they were returning anyway, he thought of how crushed his Mother and sister would be if they lost their freedom. They had already lost their husband/father when he went hunting and was ambushed three years ago, losing the freedom he died to protect would be the end of them if they even survived.

    Thinking of his Mother made him run the faster knowing that if there was no warning the wall and gate would be, at best, weak but possibly completely undefended. Not that losing the village would be a great blow, all the people lived in the mine now anyway, but the distraction would be lost and the enemy could find the women and children.

    As Jacob ran the jungle tore at him slowing him down, but at last he reached the clearing that had been created around the village. Finding his friends David and Avera on an unobservant watch called to them “Quickly! Go and spread the news a company approaches!”

    Avera pulled her hair out of her face as she ran to the city “attack coming! Prepare the arms and ready the gate!”

    David ran to Jacob and demanded “how long? How many?”

    Jacob answered him, “maybe a little past noon the scouts should be within the hour though”

    As Jacob got to the wall he noticed that the men and boys had not been ignorant of Avera’s order and were already armed with spears and those with bows had gotten arrows from the town hall and were ready on the wall. Again Jacob was impressed with the authority at which Avera commanded the villages to the defense of the walls.

    As He was still considering Avera he was interrupted by a bowman with long black hair, “do they have ladders?” he asked. His eyes glanced over Jacobs shoulder at the fields in front of the wall, He was clearly nervous.

    “I Don’t know” Jacob answered turning to view the field as well, “the scout who saw them said they had wagons but he didn’t say about whether they had ladders or not”

    wow u read the whole thing?!?!? man ur nice I'm still writing it but guys tell we what u think..
    K the color is so screwed up so try to endure. :)
    EnderMagic1 likes this.
  2. *not admitting in shame*
    gladranger7 likes this.
  3. A few comments if you don't mind. I'm not the 'good' writer myself, but here are a few tips. I don't like stories in which the narrator talks about the protagonist. For example try this...
    He flashed back to the conversation, 2 days ago.
    "Mother, I was safe! No one was near." Jacob said.
    "Jacob. Remind me why you should never wander off into the woods." Mother said.
    Those horrible memories came back. "My-my father. Died. He was killed by the enemy."
    "You can never wander off like that, Jacob. Not near that city, Aequestis. They rejected our mine! They killed your father! And they caused this whole war."
    "Please don't start this again."
    "Yes, I will. You don't understand the real danger. We built a mine for them. That blasted city rejected our gift. How could you reject a lovely mine? They wanted to keep all of it for themselves. They are getting stronger every day. Our allies are backing down. I'm trying to protect you, Jacob. Please. Stay here."

    There's a sample. ;)
    gladranger7 likes this.
  4. @endermagic I like it! (quote button not working)
    I will try this that is very similar to how the book opens as it is (this is the prologue p1) but when editing that I will work on it. :) ty!