How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb? OK, let's get the extra squirrel reserves from Mars.
Here's one: My dad was at Heavenly teaching some kids how to ski. One kid asked"Why do you have two name tags?" My dad said: "The second one is for when I get in trouble." The kid: "What do they make you do when you're in trouble?" My dad: "They make me teach kids how to ski." The real reason he had two was because he has a name and a nickname.
A man walks into a bar, and the bar tender asks him, "What do'ya DRINK?" and he's like, "BEVERAGES. AHAAAAAAAAAAA!"
I've got one There are three men on a plane that is about to crash. The first man jumps out and yells "Save me god!" and he lands in a haystack. The second man jumps out and yells "Save me lord!" and he lands in a haystack also. The last man jumped out and had an acsent and yelled "Shave me god!" and he landed in a barber shop.
Okay so two chemists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Whadaya want?". The first chemist says, "I'll just have H2O". The second chemist says, "I'll have H2O2". THE SECOND CHEMIST DIES.
Here's a bathroom joke A man walks into a Catholic Church and walks into the confession booth, but says nothing. The preist is confused, and clears his throat to try to get the man's attetion, but it doesn't work. He then knocks on the door three times, and the man responds; "No use knocking, mate. There's no toilet paper in this one either."
Helen Keller walks into a bar. Then a table. Then a chair. Then a lamp. (No offense intended!) A man walks into a bar. Except its a metal one, so it's a pole. He suffers a severe concussion and wakes up in the hospital 2 weeks later.
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first piece of string walks up to the bartender and says "Hello sir, will you serve my friends and me?" The bartender says "I can't serve you - you're just a piece of string." Disappointed, the three walk out of the bar. The second piece of string, however, is angry, and decides to try again. He puffs his chest out, makes an intimidating face, goes up to the bartender and says "Now you listen here, mister. You'd better serve us or I'll make you regret it." The bartender says "I don't care. I refuse to serve a piece of string, even if I'm threatened." Feeling defeated, he hangs his head and walks out to his friends. When the third piece of string sees this, he twists himself up in a knot, shakes his body like crazy, splits the threads at his ends, and makes himself look deranged. He walks into the bar and the bartender says "Hey, aren't you one of those pieces of string?" The string looks the man in the eye and says "I'm afraid not."
"afraid not" sounds like "a frayed knot". It's ironic, because the string is tied to a knot, and he's also "frayed" at the ends.
At The End Of The CaveThree men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back."I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"The first man runs away.They hear the voice again."I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"The second man runs away.The voice comes once more."I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"The last man bravely walks on.And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose. Spit BallTeacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now one hour early.*Student Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher*Teacher: who shot that spit ball??Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.
A man enters a café and sits down. He asks the waiter, "Do you serve helicopter-flavored potato chips?" The waiter responds, "No, we only have plain."
three men at the gates of heaven God: heaven's getting a bit crowded, so you need a good reason to get in. Man 1: I came home from work and saw the window cleaner hitting on my wife, so I pushed him out the window. I noticed he was still alive, so I pushed a refrigerator onto him, but the cord wrapped around my leg and I fell out and died. God: ok, you can go. Man 2: I was washing someone's window, and some maniac came and pushed me out. He noticed I was still alive, so he pushed a fridge onto me. God: go on through. Man 3: ok imagine.... You're in a refrigerator....
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
