7 years - A Cautionary Tale of Addiction and Depression

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by samsimx, May 31, 2019.

  1. PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THE POST/COMMENTING:
    I love and will always cherish the time I spent on EMC. I believe that EMC has done a lot of great things for a lot of great people, Aikar, Krysyy, and the individuals that continue to support one another are amazing people who have done a lot of good work. This post is in no way an attack at any of these people, or trying to devalue anything they have done for anyone apart of this community, I know they have done a fantastic job and are seriously some of my heroes in life. This is a personal anecdote of my time spent on EMC, and everything should be taken with a grain of salt as I am not the person you all once knew and talked to online.
    -------

    Hello EMC, those of you who still play, stalk the forums, whatever keeps you coming back to this community. My name is Sam, a long time veteran who invested countless hours of my life into this server: playing, moderating, and participating in a community of likeminded individuals. If you know who I am, you're probably not very new to EMC and have seen my many ups and downs, if you don't know me, congrats! I started playing EMC in the Spring of 2012, at the tender age of 13, I joined EMC after the recommendation of a few friends. These friends stopped playing shortly after introducing me to the game, but I fell in love with EMC and the people who made the community so great.

    Some of the most fun I've had on EMC was when I was a young, dumb teenager, learning the ropes of the Internet and how to interact with others. EMC has taught me so much about the Internet, life, and most importantly, myself. I'm writing this from a place of admiration, but EMC fostered a lot of negative habits in my life, and spun me down a very, very dark path. Now do I blame EMC for my problems? No. I admit all of my problems were my own doing, but EMC was something I used as an escape from my problems, only furthering me down my downward spiral to where I am today.

    I spent an unbelievable amount of time with this server. It's all I know. I've played thousands of hours of Minecraft, only on EMC. EMC was all I cared about, it was all I knew. I poured my heart and soul into this community, and frankly, it hurts to see how far I've fallen. I logged in the other day, excited to see familiar faces and chat with people I once considered close friends, did these people even bother to say hi? Did any of the people I once worked so closely with, even bother to ask what was up or where I've been? This may look like a big crybaby post, but I'm left with a horrible taste in my mouth after seeing what has happened to this community I once held so dear.

    This isn't burnout, this isn't me wanting to hate on EMC, this is a reflection of my time spent here and how times have changed. No, I am not living in the past, I recognize times change and there are different "historical contexts" for EMC, but frankly, this server is a shell of what I once madly loved.

    What does this all sound like from an angry, nonsensical man? Addiction. I was addicted to EMC. I was addicted to video games (i only played minecraft, aka emc). I would wake up, check the forums on my phone before I got out of bed and did anything. I would start my day with EMC, think of how I would dedicate my time to EMC, while ignoring my real life responsibilities, and I would spent the rest of my day musing around smp1-9 and the forums. I would end the day playing EMC, and I would go to bed thinking about how I could make improve my standings on the server, wake up and repeat this vicious cycle. It's taken me years to break this cycle, and to this day, I still routinely check EMC, and when I catch myself doing it I slap myself on the wrist and think, "why are you checking this? you don't know anyone here, no one knows you, stop doing it!" I don't do drugs, I don't drink alcohol, but almost worse than the aforementioned, I was addicted to video games and the high that came from being liked online. All I wanted to do was be liked by others, and I was never satisfied with my accomplishments on EMC. I always had to do better, be better, be liked by the staff, be liked by my peers on the staff team, be liked by the senior staff. Nothing was ever good enough for me, and my addiction to EMC manifested horrible habits and made a lot of things in my life a lot more difficult.

    Depression: it's a hard topic to discuss. It being the last day of mental awareness month, and considering the contents of this post, I'd like to briefly touch on it. EMC was an escape from a lot of horrible things in my life, namely my depression and anxiety. I'm sure, like many others, EMC is an escape from reality and gives a well needed break from the stressors of the real world. My warning to all the teenagers out there, pouring time and effort into anything that isn't the real world, STOP IT NOW! Drop the online communities. Drop the late night discord talks and stalking of online forums for hours. Unplug and focus on your responsibilities. Focus on school, get a job, build relationships with people in the real world and most importantly, focus on yourselves. Things will only get worse by ignoring them and turning to EMC and similar online communities isn't the answer. I was once under the impression that relationships formed online were worth a damn, but this has only been detrimental to almost every aspect of my life. I have to do an extra year of college, I have no irl friends or serious relationships, I've done a lot of bad things to people due to the nature of the Internet, and I regret almost all of the past 7 years and wish I could do it over again. I put so much time into online relationships and trying to be liked online, I completely ignored the important things of life like developing bonds with friends and doing well in school, work or anything besides a dumb, online game. People probably completely forgot all of the things I considered to be great on EMC, proving how utterly wasteful my efforts were spent here. I just want others who were in my situation 3-4 years ago to hopefully be able to reflect and not follow down the same path as I did.

    If I can convince one person to even consider reworking their online habits and focus more on the real world, then I would consider this post a success.


    I have nothing to show for my countless hours spent here, I'm just a former shell of my once well-known persona, and I just wish to warn everyone that while online dealings may seem super important, nothing will be as important as real life.

    To devalue everything I've said in this post, I love EMC, and I'll always love it. It will always be a symbol of my formative years, the apparatus that got me through my torturous adolescent years. I wish all of you the best who read this post, and go easy on me in the comments, I'd love to debate anything you disagree with in the post.

    IF ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE, is struggling with anything, and needs someone to talk to, please PM me - I'd love to be there for anyone who is in need.

    Samsimx, 7 year veteran, a goodbye

    tldr: ignoring real life bad, focus on responsibilities and yourself before online things

    Shameless plugs: if you are looking to make easy money off promos check out MatthewDA's promo shop, fair prices and he's the man.
  2. Thank you for posting this. I've dealt with some of the things that you mentioned here (not quite to the extent that you have, but I've still struggled with them), and would like to restate this from my personal experience:

    Regardless of how great anything online is, the real world should be your priority. If this game, this server, this community is your life, then it sounds like you need to rethink yours.

    (I know that sounded harsh, and it was, but there's more to life out there than video games. 20 years from now, I guarantee that none of us will look back and wish that we had spent more time on the computer. Go live a little. <3)
  3. I’m saddened to see that it’s come to this, but I also respect your decision. Back when I first joined you were still a pillar of this community and, even though we didn't talk that much, you were a big inspiration, and for that I will always be grateful. I haven’t had an easy life either, though whether or not it’s as bad as yours I won’t debate or dive into. I have used EMC as a bit of a crutch in the past but at the same time, I had some of the problems you mentioned already and EMC didn’t exacerbate them, but I don’t think it helped either. It was more like a painkiller, but I’m thankful to say I’ve broken that addictive part and I can enjoy EMC healthily. If you can’t, I 110% respect your decision and I wish you the best of luck wherever life takes you. If you want to talk just PM me, it sounds like we have a few problems in common. Stay cool Sam.
  4. Wow Sam well done for opening up on this, this is a great step which shows courage and bravery, not an easy thing to do opening up like this, but one which is being very well encouraged with the focus on mental health.

    Just like physical health that requires exercise and nourishment, mental health also needs to be nourished and at times it need distraction and rest from the stresses of life, we are not just one thing, but many. What you have said here is just one aspect of you.

    There is a public health campaign called "This is me" its main aim is at employers and employees, but just as easily be aimed at anyone. It gives people the opportunity to open up and show that while they may be seen as one thing they are also many other things.

    Please don't feel that your time on here was wasted, trust me there have been times just seeing players like you in he game and on the forums has been an encouragement. I know things on EMC and its community have changed, a new dynamic of player base. Older players for the most part have moved on with other things in their life and left EMC behind and that's ok, but they like you will be missed, we may never have spoken much but you were always there for me and others and that meant something.

    I will end this with links to 2 videos, The first is from a employees of a UK company , there are many other videos like this from other companies. Its about "This is me"

    The second is more or less the same thing but its an animated version of life singing the song "This is me"..
    For you the rocks and stone or slings and arrows that you have felt was/is your addiction to MC and EMC and moving on.

    Remember you are many things not just a gamer, and as you grow you will see this more and more, what you leave behind will make you who you will become tomorrow, look to the future will the knowledge that you did make a difference, even if it was small you did make a difference to me and I am sure to may others.

    Video 1: https://youtu.be/ol1ymSjPhBE
    Video 2: https://youtu.be/UAOVKrl9yG8
    samsimx, 607, Tuqueque and 2 others like this.
  5. SAMMY!! i missed u :( wish i woulda been on when you popped in
    samsimx, Tuqueque and Nickblockmaster like this.
  6. Hey dude I understand what you are going through and I am gonna miss you a lot for you are one of the most coolest players an EMC. I hope things irl get better as time goes on. Thanks for all the amazing things you have done on EMC and I hope the future is amazing down the road.

    -Skele ;)
    samsimx, Tuqueque and Nickblockmaster like this.
  7. I've been through a similar situation to yours, but not quite to this extent. Eventually I pulled myself out of it, but it can absolutely be a hard hole to get out of
    Playing video games isn't a bad thing, and getting invested in video games isn't bad either. That being said, ignoring real life to play video games is bad. Real life always comes first
    FadedMartian, 607, Tuqueque and 2 others like this.
  8. Thanks for posting this. As a teenager, I am definetly not obsessed with EMC, in fact I am on break right now and I don't mind leaving it for weeks (but no derelict ofc) :p
    And I suffer to a much lesser degree of mental illnesses as well, so I can understand how you might use EMC as an escape; a wonderful community with plenty of kind players who would be better than your situation IRL. I'm proud of you for controlling it after so long, I can tell that it'd be hard.
    Anyways, thanks for sharing your story and advise, I'm sure a lot of us will listen to what you said. I hope everything gets easier for you in EMC and IRL, and if this is your goodbye thread, then I'm sorry we never got to talk, and goodbye :(
    607 and Tuqueque like this.
  9. I was once addicted to EMC. I used to spend ~6-7 hours a day on here. There was even a point in time where I was spending 9+ hours a day breeding donkeys, in an attempt to become liked by other breeders in the community. Luckily that phase only lasted for about a month. I was desperate to get a donkey with 131 speed, thinking everyone would like me over it.

    Thankfully my ban (and then my second ban once I came back because I was too addicted to stop playing) snapped me out of this. If I wasn't banned, I'd be in a pretty bad scenario right now IRL. I still regret spending so much time on here, when I could have been studying and whatnot...

    Also, alot of people on the server are disappearing. The active this month player count was ~5,000 in April 2017, but now it's around 3,100. That's due to the downfall of minecraft servers in general though.
  10. Aha. That might explain the feeling I have had toward you. I am sorry for what you have been going through. I will pray for your recovery.
  11. So... I am not the best with words. I'm gonna preface this with that. Keep that in mind. :)

    But I had this same feeling. Except it was during my staff phase. I felt well-liked on EMC, I always had people to talk to, always had something to do.... I wasn't exactly ignoring real life stuff, but I cared way too much about what people thought. It only became worse after becoming staff. For example, that disaster of a bulk shop where I ended up disappearing almost permanently after because my accounts were stolen and I had no way of getting all those items out. Pissed a lot of people off, rightfully so, and I couldn't handle it. There's 2-3 people that still talk to me now when I get on, sure.... But I can't be on too much, because I care too much. Especially when it came to what the other staff thought of me because I thought of them as friends, the same tier as real life ones. They were not, because nobody can convey that much emotion over the Internet alone. It didn't help that I was the youngest of the staff, and therefore, never really "fit in."

    But, I disagree in that, yes, you can have a healthy relationship with the Internet and still take care of yourself. I've been practicing that myself. You just have to pick your battles. I can't do EMC much and keep my head on straight, so I don't do EMC much. Sometimes, a brief reprieve from problems is needed, but extended breaks are problematic.

    A lot to unpack here. I miss the fun I had but I don't miss the anxiety and the pain it could cause at times. I don't blame EMC, much like sam doesn't, but it certainly didn't help. ;) I keep EMC on a very loose leash now.
    Tbird1128, 607, Sprhyngtime and 4 others like this.
  12. I should clarify some things here:

    Yes I struggle with some of the aforementioned problems in my post today, but most of the problems I have regarding EMC are from years ago. I no longer struggle with video game addiction nor do I struggle with needing constant reassurance from my peers to feel good about myself.

    I wrote this post to highlight my past problems for anyone who may be currently struggling with said problems or to deter others from following down my same path.

    Life will always be hard, and I still deal with a lot of the bad habits instilled in me by EMC - but I haven't been worried about my presence on EMC for quite some time.

    To everyone wishing me well: I greatly appreciate it and would like to clarify I am doing A LOT better today than I was years ago. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, although I believe some of the replies may have misinterpreted what I was trying to convey.

    If anyone wishes to contact me, my PM's are open and I will refer you to my discord - thanks all!
  13. Sam, I had the same thing, I found EMC during my 8th grade or 9th grade year. I was online from the time i got back from school till i needed to go to bed. My GPA dropped from a 3.5 to a 1.9 my freshman year. EMC is a great place to be apart of but the community can become your online family and you kinda forget about real life. I played so much. My mother was worried about the server because i put 4-7 hours into EMC a day, whether it was on forums or in-game. I left becuase my mother broke my laptop but that is another story for another day. When i got back recently, i have again developed the same habits from years ago and another game as well. I am not great with breaking habits but i have recognized these nasty habits.

    So glad you were able to notice it and try to better yourself. I hope the best for you and your life. I know i never knew you on a personal level but you were a huge inspiration to me years ago. You were huge in the community and i have always wanted to be " The guy everyone likes". Either way good luck and be safe in your life's endeavors
    Tbird1128, samsimx and Tuqueque like this.
  14. This might not be significant, but I felt laden ignoring it.
    I disagree. Not regarding your 'real life friends', of course, because I don't know your relationship with them. But certainly regarding the average friend.

    In response to the main topic: I am glad that I have never experienced any of these things you mention. I wonder if I was ever or am ever or will ever be at any risk of them, as I've certainly never noticed it.
    Tuqueque, PetezzaDawg and Jay2a like this.
  15. I fundamentally disagree with this.
    1. i have many lasting friendships from the internet some older even than emc. the internet has connected us in a way we never have been connected before. im real friends through the internet with people across the globe, some of us even speak daily. my fiancee i met through emc she lives with me now. ive met many of the current/past staff a number of times and keep up with a few of them more frequently than my "real" in town friends. internet friends are real friends if you treat them like real friends.
    2. (atleast when i was staff) we never treated any of the different aged staff any differently. atleast not anymore than we would treat a new co-worker differently. in fact when i was staff i was...24ish? while alexc was 16 i beleive, he was there longer and thus had more credibility than i did.
    3. if you choose to let yourself be open over the internet, humans have evolved to be the most expressive of all species, we can find a way to convey our meaning if we so choose to do so with you, you just have to be open to accept that meaning.
  16. Samsimix, you WILL be missed.
    We all love ya, man, and we will be saddened from your retirement of EMC.

    I can understand how much video games can consume somebody's life. I know a lot of people who could be so much more if they simply put their computer away for a week. Video games arent bad or anything, but they can be if played too much.

    I consider your choice a sad, but wise one.
    Farewell, friend.

    -Stny
    Tuqueque likes this.
  17. Thank you for sharing your experience. I've also fallen to this phenomenon sadly... During my Highschool Years, I would play many hours, procrastinating on homework and social life. Thankfully, it did not affect my grades as much, but it did consume much of my sleep time. My social life in High school was also affected negatively due to the amount of time I would put into Minecraft... This is why I decided to basically quit EMC (game-wise) since August... Yet it still consumes 15 seconds of me every day(voting) on the promise that I will come back. I still talk to people I care about. Although this is part of the internet, I have some friendships here that I value equal to those in my real life.

    Right now, I don't feel the need to play as I used to before, so I'm happy I took this break. I think that EMC has definitely shaped my life... I'm happy I joined as it has given me friendships and taught me many values, but I also think I would be a very different person if I didn't join... don't know if for the better or worst.

    I am glad you were able to identify this addiction for yourself and that you have dealt with it (or at least you are better)

    You will always be my king

    -Tuq
    Ariesis and samsimx like this.
  18. I feel you, online addiction ruins people, and honestly it makes me feel stressed and makes me feel demotivated. I have currently sort of stopped going on emc which is really good because this place is too addicting. From this post I want to now finish the rest of my victory over stopping online addiction, which I have, as I choose not to play videogames anymore or mobile games because it takes me in like a spider web.
    samsimx likes this.
  19. I don't want to argue over this. If you eventually meet the person in person, that's different. What I felt was valid. I gave it my all and felt like I got 13% in return. So no they didn't feel real and I don't think you can convey everything purely over the internet.
    FadedMartian, samsimx and 607 like this.
  20. I too used to be addicted to EMC back in 2015. I would try and play it late into the night and earliest I got up in the morning. I remember sometimes forgetting to eat or drink water because I was sucked into the game.

    I commend you on coming out, that's the important thing.
    Ariesis likes this.